It's Therapy Tuesday.
I had a few blog ideas lined up, but today, my god, the anxiety I am feeling is making me sick and non-functional. There were many things I could be doing in this time before my therapy session. I want to be working out. I want to be making lunch. I want to be meditating. Writing a blog post is good too, but it's also scary. Right now everything is scary. Before I lose you in my whirl wind of panic, I'll try to write a honest and simple version of what I am currently feeling.
The last several weeks I have been doing amazing. I am making progress on my goal of three months with no depression keeping me in-mobile and out of touch and in bed. I have been succeeding everyday. I even started becoming a NATURAL morning person! That's a really big deal. Anyway, blah blah blah, insert other achievements here..but the fact is that reaching this point of a steady and recovered life style is when my high anxiety kicks in. This is usually where my panic attacks stop me from continuing on with my life. Right now, at this very moment, I am having a panic attack. My heart is racing and there is sweat running down my face. My muscles are clenched in odd places. I have been picking at my nails so much so there are scabs now on my cuticles. So gross, I know but it's been a life long bad habit. My left thumb is throbbing because I cut the nail too short and now it's becoming an in-grown nail. I have a bandage on it. Makes it hard to type along with the shaking of my hands.
But I am not escaping in order to avoid this feeling. Fuck. No. That's a trap. I started my avoidance procedures last night. This is what normally comes before a bout of debilitating depression. I read. Not non fiction. But science. I research. It's silly but true. I could read an entire encyclopedia during a bout of depression avoidance. I spend HOURS on one topic. I love science but I am using my passion for it as a crutch. I avoid life. I read and research for hours, then days, next thing I know I have stopped living a human's life and there is just a shell of a body.
*big sigh*
I can't believe I am about to tell the world this little secret of mine but I am going to post this because not every post can be perfect and make complete sense but I KNOW there are other's like me out there. Maybe your path that leads you on a down slope of disability is different. But if you have been there, you know what I am talking about.
Sharing these details with the world is like leaving little bread crumbs down my path for others to see and witness. To some, they are just bread crumbs and uninteresting. But to many of us, they are an insight in to another's struggle.
I am sharing my struggle with you. I have some good news and things to write about pertaining to being a warrior and kicking mental health's ass. Right now I don't feel like a warrior though. I want to vent. I'll be able to vent much more later on today at therapy. I will NOT let this self-sabotage behavior keep going. I will hang on. Even if that means I am hanging on to a really weird way of overcoming it- by writing this blog. Sharing publicly what only I or one or two people know about.
I have been invited to share a short video on behalf of an organization with a great cause. I am so honored. How can I pick only one short topic to discuss about my battle with depression, panic, and anxiety disorders? I think I am going to talk about the power of stepping out of your own comfort zone because that's what making this video will be like and that's exactly what this blog is. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Each time I do it, and it's not often I'll be honest, but each time it happens I gain tiny bit of self esteem. and I slay mental illness and kick it's ass like the warrior I am.
More on this later. I'll be back to post again soon, but right now I am on the front-lines of my war.
I had a few blog ideas lined up, but today, my god, the anxiety I am feeling is making me sick and non-functional. There were many things I could be doing in this time before my therapy session. I want to be working out. I want to be making lunch. I want to be meditating. Writing a blog post is good too, but it's also scary. Right now everything is scary. Before I lose you in my whirl wind of panic, I'll try to write a honest and simple version of what I am currently feeling.
The last several weeks I have been doing amazing. I am making progress on my goal of three months with no depression keeping me in-mobile and out of touch and in bed. I have been succeeding everyday. I even started becoming a NATURAL morning person! That's a really big deal. Anyway, blah blah blah, insert other achievements here..but the fact is that reaching this point of a steady and recovered life style is when my high anxiety kicks in. This is usually where my panic attacks stop me from continuing on with my life. Right now, at this very moment, I am having a panic attack. My heart is racing and there is sweat running down my face. My muscles are clenched in odd places. I have been picking at my nails so much so there are scabs now on my cuticles. So gross, I know but it's been a life long bad habit. My left thumb is throbbing because I cut the nail too short and now it's becoming an in-grown nail. I have a bandage on it. Makes it hard to type along with the shaking of my hands.
But I am not escaping in order to avoid this feeling. Fuck. No. That's a trap. I started my avoidance procedures last night. This is what normally comes before a bout of debilitating depression. I read. Not non fiction. But science. I research. It's silly but true. I could read an entire encyclopedia during a bout of depression avoidance. I spend HOURS on one topic. I love science but I am using my passion for it as a crutch. I avoid life. I read and research for hours, then days, next thing I know I have stopped living a human's life and there is just a shell of a body.
*big sigh*
I can't believe I am about to tell the world this little secret of mine but I am going to post this because not every post can be perfect and make complete sense but I KNOW there are other's like me out there. Maybe your path that leads you on a down slope of disability is different. But if you have been there, you know what I am talking about.
Sharing these details with the world is like leaving little bread crumbs down my path for others to see and witness. To some, they are just bread crumbs and uninteresting. But to many of us, they are an insight in to another's struggle.
I am sharing my struggle with you. I have some good news and things to write about pertaining to being a warrior and kicking mental health's ass. Right now I don't feel like a warrior though. I want to vent. I'll be able to vent much more later on today at therapy. I will NOT let this self-sabotage behavior keep going. I will hang on. Even if that means I am hanging on to a really weird way of overcoming it- by writing this blog. Sharing publicly what only I or one or two people know about.
I have been invited to share a short video on behalf of an organization with a great cause. I am so honored. How can I pick only one short topic to discuss about my battle with depression, panic, and anxiety disorders? I think I am going to talk about the power of stepping out of your own comfort zone because that's what making this video will be like and that's exactly what this blog is. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Each time I do it, and it's not often I'll be honest, but each time it happens I gain tiny bit of self esteem. and I slay mental illness and kick it's ass like the warrior I am.
More on this later. I'll be back to post again soon, but right now I am on the front-lines of my war.
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| This is a photo I took at a museum in Salem Massachusetts. It represents what the notorious pirate Blackbeard used as his ship's flag...I'm no pirate but I feel like I can relate. |
Wow Lindsay this hit home!! I too struggle with depression anxiety and panicked attacks. No joke I told my husband earlier I was so proud of myself because I managed to get some things done today in town and fundraise for an event and not have a panic attack. I usually can not go anywhere with out someone with me. Or I stay home. It's so crazy. I totally can relate to you. Anyways thanks for sharing !! Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for reading and sharing with me Jenell! I'm so glad we finally met recently but it's a shame we don't live closer together. Let's stay in touch and keep supporting each other! Stay Strong!
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