Reviewing my old blog posts has been an emotional yet rewarding experience. Each entry feels like a snapshot of who I was at that moment—full of hopes, fears, and a determination to move forward. Reflecting on the words I’ve written over the years has helped me see not only how far I’ve come but also the strength and resilience that have carried me through this journey.
Yesterday, a simple task of cleaning out the basement unexpectedly tugged at my heartstrings and sent me on a journey down memory lane. For months, clearing out those old boxes has sat at the top of my to-do list—a labor of love and a commitment to finally declutter, donate, and toss the remnants of the past. Little did I know how much those dusty boxes still held.
Among them were a few that had remained untouched since we packed up our California condo in 2019. I’ll never forget the whirlwind of that move. At the end of January, our realtor told us we had just three days to pack up our lives and list our house if we wanted to be in Michigan by March—Eddie’s start date for his new job. Three days to uproot everything. By March 2019, we were settling into a new apartment, a new state, and a new chapter.
Yesterday, tucked inside those old boxes, I found pieces of myself. One discovery was an old journal—a workout diary where I had carefully logged daily exercises using a set of workout bands I’d received for Christmas. Reading it, I couldn’t help but marvel at how much I’ve changed. Back then, I was just starting to rebuild, inching toward health. Today, I’m doing HIIT workouts and hitting the gym—things that felt impossible for the person I was when I wrote in that diary.
Then, there was the binder. Inside was a section titled “Marriage/Life/Goals” and a note scrawled in my own hand that read:
"I need all household appliances to be working if I am going to make dinner every day."
"I need to get up each day before noon."
"I need to be able to go to the store to get food if we run out."
I stared at those words, stunned by how much my life—and my mindset—has transformed. There were years when I wasn’t “participating” in my own life, but looking back, I can hardly recall the day-to-day. That realization left me craving a deeper connection to my past self, so I turned to my old blog posts to help fill in the blanks.
It didn’t take long for my fertility journey to come into focus. Lately, it’s been on my mind a lot, and rereading those entries gave me a window into just how far I’ve come.
What started as a day of organizing the basement became a profound reflection on the person I was, the hurdles I’ve overcome, and the life I’m actively building now. It’s astonishing how the past can speak to you when you take the time to listen—and how the person you were can remind you to celebrate the person you’ve become. To help me reconnect with my past self—the one whose remnants I uncovered yesterday in the basement—I began reading some of my old blog posts. My fertility journey has been on my mind a lot lately, so I started there.
When I first started exploring my fertility options, I encountered roadblocks that were as frustrating as they were heartbreaking. In Operation Pearl Ovary, I shared my struggles with PCOS and the hurdles created by medical professionals who saw my weight as a barrier. One doctor flatly told me that fertility treatments wouldn’t be an option until I lost 50 pounds. It was devastating, not just because of the weight-loss requirement, but because it felt like my struggles with PCOS and irregular cycles weren’t being taken seriously. Determined to take control of my health, I set out on a journey of transformation. Losing 40 pounds after moving to Michigan was a hard-won victory, but it wasn’t just about the scale. It was about reclaiming a sense of agency in my health and my life.
The road to hopeful conception involved more than just weight loss—it meant navigating complex treatments and their side effects. I remember the excitement of my first positive follicle ultrasound after rounds of Clomid and Femara, as shared in Operation Pearl Ovary. But I also detailed the toll these treatments took on my body and mind: nausea, headaches, panic attacks, and a pervasive sense of “blah” that made it hard to stay hopeful at times. In Let’s Talk, I reflected on the emotional and financial weight of continuing treatments, especially during the uncertainty of a global pandemic. Deciding to pause treatments was not an easy choice, but it was a necessary one for my mental health and well-being. I sometimes find myself wondering why I never picked up the pieces and tried again when the pandemic began to be normalized and doctor office visits became less awkward.
Fertility struggles are not just physical—they cut deeply into your emotions. In Prenatal Depression, I opened up about my fears of navigating mental health challenges during pregnancy. Would my struggles with depression make motherhood even harder? Would my child inherit these battles? These questions kept me awake at night, underscoring the weight of the decision to bring a child into the world. I also shared in A Winter’s Tale how the sadness of fertility struggles sometimes felt overwhelming, even during the holidays. Leaning on my therapist and finding solace in creativity became lifelines during these darker moments.
Through it all, I’ve learned to find strength in the pause. In The New Panic Attack, I talked about how panic attacks forced me to slow down and confront my anxieties head-on. Therapy, including EMDR as discussed in EMDR Therapy, became a transformative tool in helping me process the pain and reframe my journey. In Summertime Sadness, I delved into the resurgence of panic attacks and the emotional toll they took, highlighting the importance of normalizing mental health struggles and seeking support. Though my journey has not followed a straight line, it has been filled with moments of growth and self-discovery. From weight loss to managing PCOS, from pausing treatments to exploring alternative paths to motherhood, every step has been a testament to resilience. In Let’s Talk, I shared that sometimes it’s okay to take a step back and regroup, to find joy in what is while holding space for what could be.
Today, I approach this journey with a blend of hope and realism. Whether my path to motherhood involves fertility treatments, adoption, or simply finding fulfillment in nurturing others, I know that the journey itself is shaping me into a stronger, more compassionate person. If you’re reading this and find yourself on a similar journey, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Fertility challenges can feel isolating, but there’s power in sharing your story and leaning on those who understand. Take it one day at a time, celebrate the small victories, and never lose sight of the resilience that has carried you this far.
Here’s to finding hope in the waiting and strength in the journey.
💕💕💕 you continue to inspire me and make me so proud of you!
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