I've been writing this blog about my mental illnesses and my life for a couple of years now and seem to always have a few reoccurring themes pop-up each year. Because to me, summertime is associated with feeling good and having fun, the stark contrast of a dark depression in the bright sunshine is remarkable. Last summer I wrote a post I titled The Black Dog Days(of summer) and because I have Lana Del Rey so very much, I'm calling this one Summertime Sadness. Maybe during the humid days of my summer 2021 melancholy, I can write a post titled Dark Paradise. (side bar: Dark Paradise is good song to listen to when you want to have existential dread about not seeing your loved ones when you die because there is no heaven/afterlife. Nice little pro-tip for yeahs.)
Let's talk about new and/or different and/or worse panic attacks. My God, I can't believe how many I've been having! It's unbelievable to me. Over ten years ago, I began having panic attacks and because they were new I had no clue if it was a heart attack or something so I've had tons of heart testing. EKGs, ECGs, ultrasounds, halter monitors....the very fact that I learned my heart was actually pretty healthy helped me to quell the on coming attacks. It's been so long since those emergency room days that I didn't think they would ever come back. I've been able to litter ally stop them before they even get started. Until recently, that is. IIRC, I actually learned that the very fact you have panic attacks increases the probability that you are going to have more through out your life. I just didn't think that it would be possible to have a good life and also suffer from panic attacks at the same time because they are so earth shatteringly terrifying and completely disruptive to your energy/day/task/life. I share these episodes on social media because I want to normalize it. As you know, I'm always striving to make our world stigma free. Yes, I have a lovely life, it's honestly a fairy tale. and the area we live in is breathtakingly beautiful. but that does not mean I am comfortable every single day. In fact, my very discomfort feeds my creativity. So what do I do when I'm a 36 year old adult woman who sobs loudly in public and has to leave work due to the fact I cannot stop crying? I get my creative thought process flowing and write about it.
Yes, I cried at work. Can we also normalize crying at work? Can we make that stigma free as well? because if it's acceptable to cry at work, then it won't be so embarrassing so I can focus my energy on moving past the episode instead of just being stunted in demoralizing fear. (how much do you love these amazing decals that you can put on bathroom mirrors at places of business? Do you dare me?) This is not an episode that happens often, despite my illnesses, I don't cry in public too often. This episode was unprovoked and unstoppable. It was indeed a wave that swept over me, covered me and coated me in it's rapids, and pulled me under. I think wearing these masks over our face makes it harder to pinpoint the emotions one is showing. There were adult woman I was interacting with, while crying, and they didn't seem to notice. Perhaps I looked like I just had bad allergies? It's just strange to me that it wasn't like the days of yore, going to the bar bathrooms and seeing a woman cry while complete strangers console her and hold her hair. haha. Honestly though, I could've been hiding it really well. Who knows? but when I couldn't stop crying, and had to hold paper towels under my eyes to sop up the tears, I knew it wasn't a good look and that I should probably get someone to cover me so I can go home. I was absolutely mortified. Again, my boss and manager really came through for me and were so graciously forgiving and accommodating. These are the type of people that everyone deserves to work with but most don't get to. Just very kind and wonderful people that I work with. Again, the land and the people up here are just different. In a very magical and loving way. So it makes it easier on me to heal and move the funk on with my life and stop crashing and burning every 3 months.
Because I'm human, I still feel ashamed. Ashamed over the behavior I and actions I was taking, thought it felt like I was outside myself watching it happen. Ashamed that I'm not living my adult life in the way I planned. For a person who desires progression, I have stupidly rigid and old fashioned ideas of what a "good life" or a "good person" looks like. First of all, I don't have kids, and although it's not my fault, I still feel a worry that those who do have children look at adults like me as less than or immature because I'm allowed to spend more time and money on stupid silly shit. I know that is a very precise and illogical fear but stay with me. I feel kind of "left behind" in a sense, because Eddie and I don't have children and we still don't know if we might ever. So, to me, this is like a race and we are so behind and just getting older and more disgusted by the world as time goes on. That irrational, but reoccurring fear, is combined with sensitivity and my insecurities over my mental illnesses and makes for a confidences crushing cycle. It seems to me I've had an increase in the emotions I have tied in with my lack of fertility and not being able to experience motherhood. These thought processes require a delicate dance between not idealizing the experience of being parents and being grateful for all the free time and financial freedom we have because we aren't parents. If I had pick a particular example to represent this dance around parenthood, it would be the tap move Shuffle Off To Buffalo. My profound therapist, helped me to realize that even if I did have the things in my life that I deemed "normal" such as children and the ability to work a full time job, I would still find a way to not be traditional. because that's just me! I make my own world to live in and walk my own path.
I'm feeling a little more guarded than usual lately. I received some sad news recently that someone I once associated with had passed away. As the wife of a funeral director, I understand the grief process and live life in a reality where death happens unexpectedly to anyone, and eventually everyone, every single day. but hearing this news is doubly heartbreaking for me, as it is not the first, nor even the second time that I have learned of someone I was close with, who passed away due to suicide/self-harm after the fact, and I had been living my days with no clue that they were dead. Every time it happens, I die a tiny bit inside. because many years ago I almost suffered the same fate. I coil in fear when I think that there could have been anything, anything at all that I could do to stop them from doing it. I've wondered if I could have saved anyone, if I had started being an advocate for mental illness and made my voice louder and put myself out there sooner? Maybe I could have helped? That thought sickens me so I'll share what I imagine when I'm feeling sore and rubbed raw by the world. I imagine wrapping my heart up in a protected and comfy ball of blankets and bubble wrap. I wrap that sucker over and over and over again, each wrap I'm folding in more healing light and soothing calmness, until it's absolutely grand in size and power and is now protected enough to tumble through the bumpy parts of life. I must pack and handle my heart with care before I move through hard times and changes. I pull my emotions in towards my body and ground myself. I try to avoid feeling the heavy weight of others, which is immensely hard for someone like me. When there's evil, when there's pain and an excess of strife, I have learned that it's important to guard myself from it and I must be cognizant , and I have to be mindful, because it happens so fast when I take someone else's energy on and combine it with my own. That's I why it's important to ground myself by healing with nature outside. I hope I have been able to get through enough to you, dear reader, and made enough of an impact on your day so that if you are feeling weak, and are thinking of leaving, I have helped you realize that it's so much better for your soul to stay here and make the most of this crazy experience we get to have as human beings.
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