This was truly frightening- more than any Halloween or horror movie I've ever seen. I was given the opportunity to put a video of myself online, for all the world to see, and talk about my struggle with mental illness. Typing up a blog post is one thing, but coming out from behind the screen to show my face and actually talk out loud about my depression feels so much more vulnerable. However, I was honored to be asked for this chance to do something for a great cause and put my face where my message is.
I am extremely insecure about how I look. That is an understatement. Years ago I was the girl always taking pictures and selfies and I thought I looked OK in photos, etc. Since my major depressive episodes started 3 years ago, and on top of all the weight I've put on in the past 10 years of being eating disorder free (I was anorexic and starved myself on and off for years until I moved in with my boyfriend now husband), I still feel very much like the body I am in is not mine at all. I still struggle with being able to look in a mirror. At this time last year, all the mirrors in our home were covered and view-able from the face up because seeing my reflection hurt so much that it would completely destroy my day. You can't imagine how embarrassing it can be to tell people that yes, I have struggled with an eating disorder and yes I was very sick at one point a long time ago, slightly underweight but very physically sick all the time and mentally corrupt, and yes, I went to college for nutrition and I am certified to tell people in hospitals what they should be eating, yet, I am now grossly and morbidly obese. That was a huge run-on sentence. Sorry. Let me refocus.
So in general, I am normally embarrassed and insecure and making this short 30 second video clip was going to be challenging. That is the whole point. I didn't know what to say in my video at first when I tried to think of advice for other's going through what I am. but in thinking about the dread I felt making a video and how it would feel to get it done and know I accomplished something helped me to realize that was my own advice. To step out of one's comfort zone.
I know it can be so easy to fall into the trap of guarded behavior after years of depressive episodes that cause you to lose your ability to function or leave the house. but you have to move on as you heal. Going to therapy every week is so helpful to me but for a while earlier this year, I felt as though my recovery hit a plateau. It was because I was changing my way of thinking to a more positive way but not acting it out in real life. I needed to leave the house more. I needed to put makeup on again and buy clothes that I actually wear out of the house. I spent so much time thinking about being better, but I wasn't acting as though I was feeling better.
Here is a link to the video and I want you all to click it and take a look. Not necessarily because I want everyone to watch me, but I want everyone to see all the videos and all the brave faces out there who are struggling but strong enough to say "I'm hurting, and if you are too, here is something that helps me that may help you".
my video on @joyforjan's instagram
my video on JoyforJan's fb page
I am extremely insecure about how I look. That is an understatement. Years ago I was the girl always taking pictures and selfies and I thought I looked OK in photos, etc. Since my major depressive episodes started 3 years ago, and on top of all the weight I've put on in the past 10 years of being eating disorder free (I was anorexic and starved myself on and off for years until I moved in with my boyfriend now husband), I still feel very much like the body I am in is not mine at all. I still struggle with being able to look in a mirror. At this time last year, all the mirrors in our home were covered and view-able from the face up because seeing my reflection hurt so much that it would completely destroy my day. You can't imagine how embarrassing it can be to tell people that yes, I have struggled with an eating disorder and yes I was very sick at one point a long time ago, slightly underweight but very physically sick all the time and mentally corrupt, and yes, I went to college for nutrition and I am certified to tell people in hospitals what they should be eating, yet, I am now grossly and morbidly obese. That was a huge run-on sentence. Sorry. Let me refocus.
So in general, I am normally embarrassed and insecure and making this short 30 second video clip was going to be challenging. That is the whole point. I didn't know what to say in my video at first when I tried to think of advice for other's going through what I am. but in thinking about the dread I felt making a video and how it would feel to get it done and know I accomplished something helped me to realize that was my own advice. To step out of one's comfort zone.
I know it can be so easy to fall into the trap of guarded behavior after years of depressive episodes that cause you to lose your ability to function or leave the house. but you have to move on as you heal. Going to therapy every week is so helpful to me but for a while earlier this year, I felt as though my recovery hit a plateau. It was because I was changing my way of thinking to a more positive way but not acting it out in real life. I needed to leave the house more. I needed to put makeup on again and buy clothes that I actually wear out of the house. I spent so much time thinking about being better, but I wasn't acting as though I was feeling better.
Here is a link to the video and I want you all to click it and take a look. Not necessarily because I want everyone to watch me, but I want everyone to see all the videos and all the brave faces out there who are struggling but strong enough to say "I'm hurting, and if you are too, here is something that helps me that may help you".
my video on @joyforjan's instagram
my video on JoyforJan's fb page
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| Please check out Joy for Jan and their amazing story |
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| Thank you JoyforJan for sharing my story and sharing my blog on your page! |
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