Still Bah Hum-buggin'?

I'm totally buggin'.  

and if you didn't just picture Cher Horowitz, you are not the Clueless fanatic I am. (can I go back in time to 1996 when I got the VHS for Christmas and watched it 24/7?)

and if you don't know what buggin' means: here you go actually if you do know the word and the movie click that link anyway because that was a good article for reminiscing. I love Mental Floss.

and if you didn't get whole bah humbug mashed with buggin'...I am procrastinating. *sigh*

If you're still bah hum-buggin', me f*cking too.  Holiday depression and all year depression combine into a powerful duo that socks me out and usually leaves me drooling in the corner or in bed and down for the count.  It always get's it's most powerful usually right before Christmas day or on Christmas day.  I guess because everything is done and I'm supposed to enjoy myself now.  Right now, as in today, and the last 3 or 4 days, I have been very depressed.  I know when it's at it's worst when it involves physical pain as well.  My body hurts so bad and I am so cramped up that it's really hard to even type this. but I view writing this post as a pro-mental health choice so I'm going to finish. 

If you feel like me right now, let's go down our check list of things we do to stave off depression and other mental illness related symptoms:

1.  Eating healthy- check. (ok a few more extra calories of sugar than normal. candy is everywhere)
2. Exercising- check.  In this past week I've gone for a walk with my husband, did 40 minutes cardio on the elliptical, and did 2 fitbit trainer work-outs.  
3. Mindfulness meditation- kinda check.  I had my husband sit down with me on Saturday and do a nice 15 minute body release meditation together.  We both felt amazing afterwords and even noticed our ability to deal with stress the rest of the day and night was much stronger.
4. Going to therapy- check.
5. Engaging with others- check. Went to Christmas party that I was involved with the planning for and have kept in touch with family back home on the phone.
6. Leaving the house- Check. Walks, errands, therapy, etc.
7. Practicing positive moments and acknowledging gratefulness- Check. Even if I am home alone, which I often am, I am always sure to say "thank you" out loud when something happens that I view as a sign pointing me in the right direction. 

So, unsurprisingly, I am actually having a full blown depression episode.  However, us mental illness sufferers are not alone this time of year.  Everyone suffers in someway from the added stress of the holidays.  Yes, EVERYONE.

I'll give you an example. on my flight home from Michigan, I picked up a couple more magazines at the airport to occupy myself. I am a magazine ADDICT.  At this point in my trip I had pretty much every December issue I was interested in and I was down to Martha Stewart's Living.  I enjoyed some of the fun articles on how to make ridiculously hard things.  Such as...Santa's alpine ski chalet?  I am tempted to make it though, to be honest.  Who doesn't enjoy a a nice A-Framed house with a cozy edible stone fireplace?

As I was paging through domestic bliss while soaring 3,000 miles in the air, I found a page with a sad faced gingerbread man cookie.  It was an article in the Good Living/Health section titled, "All the Feels".  

Martha Stewart's Living December 2017

This was the LAST thing I expected to be in her magazine.  After "All the Feels" comes the subheading:

Emotions run extra-high this time of year, spanning the good, the bad, and tottally unexpected. (Raise your hand if you've ever welled up just hearing "Auld Lang Syne.") Here's how to ride the wave- and help friends or family through any troughs. - Text By Cathy Alter- Martha Stewart's Living December 2017, page 64

I was still skeptical but read on.  Each symptom of holiday stress or sadness was given a tongue in cheek and/or spot on label.  Examples include: Normal Rockwell Syndrome (which I can't decide if I suffer from because I didn't live in that era nor am I stressing over a huge family dinner with matching silver and china sets), the red and green blues, huffy-host complex, and the straight forward case of the 'why bothers?' and guilty feelings.  

When I saw the guilty feelings heading, I almost yelled out loud, "that's me! I feel guilty! All the time! About anything! and EVERYTHING!".  I have had a feeling of immense guilt my entire life.  If you don't suffer from this symptom, it's really hard to explain and even harder to live with but here's a pretty decent summary of what it feels like.  I could, and probably should, do an entire post devoted to the undeserved and unseen guilt and shame associated with depression and how it often starts in childhood.

To see in Martha's magazine, an article touching on mental health, and even the tabboo of familial guilt, was and still is somehow comforting.  

and just now, as I wrote that last sentence and finished typing out the word comforting, I glanced over to the article I had ripped out.  I wrote at the beginning of this post that the face on the cookie was sad.  I have had this picture hung up in front of my desk for a a couple weeks, as I often do have have torn out magazine pages posted on my wall for inspiration.  I'll leave the ripped pages hanging on the wall until I do what was needed or write about what I wanted to say and the next new things come along.  But, just NOW, after taking it off the wall I noticed something odd and also comforting.  

The articles picture of the gingerbread man cookie is smiling. 

I think that is my "sign" to go ahead and get off the computer and start some holly jolly laundry.  Thanks for listening to me vent.  and if you need to vent, you know how to get at me.  Leave your rage on my page and I promise I won't mind. 

Deck the Halls with Disco Balls

Happy Holidays! and If you are celebrating Christmas, Have a Very Merry Christmas and I will be back next week with a new post for the New Year!