Thinspiration: where do we draw the line?

Thinspo/Thinspiration

If you don't know what this is, here's your crash course brought to by our dear friend wikipedia:

Thinspiration
A digitally altered example of thinspiration.
Pro-ana sites often (84%, in a 2010 survey) feature thinspiration (or thinspo): images or video montages of slim women, often celebrities, who may be anything from naturally slim to emaciated with visibly protruding bones. Pro-ana bloggers, forum members and social networking groups likewise post thinspiration to motivate one another toward further weight loss. Conversely, reverse thinspiration features images of fatty food or overweight people intended to induce disgust. There exists significant controversy between supporters and opponents of thinspiration; some assert that thinspiration only "glorifies" eating disorders while some thinspiration bloggers argue that the purpose of thinspiration is to support a healthy level of weight loss.

It's sick. I know. As a "millennial", my high school and college years were filled with dial up internet slow sites that were as tantalizing  as they were damaging.  They even had chat rooms so you could find an anonymous thinspo friend to talk to you when you were in your weakest times- usually referring to weakness as giving in to hunger.  I literally just rolled my eyes at my 19 year old self.

I was entrapped in the world of perfection and restricted eating, over-exercising for the amount of calories I was taking in, and purging sometimes what little moments of weakness I swallowed. Usually just something as small as a few chips, maybe a rice crispy treat, or a piece of bread.  But I occasionally, when I felt backed into a corner and "forced" to eat an entire meal because I was with family or something similar, I would purge that entire meal.  Throwing up is a terrible feeling to most human beings. To me at the time; an art form perfected and practiced in any bathroom. or if I didn't have a bathroom to get to- or if the sound of vomiting was too loud hitting the water- I would puke into plastic bags and hide them in my closet.

Wow. I have only mentioned the above info in the previous paragraph to a few but never have a written it out and I have to say it's terrifying, disgusting, embarrassing, and also I am just glad I started my journey of intense therapy in 2005 to quit these habits that were a major threat to my health.  I was always sick and alarmed my primary care physician at age 20 when a "fit, healthy" looking girl like me was loosing a battle to a throat infection. I had an abscess in the back of my mouth and was hospitalized.  After that I had to have my blood checked daily to make sure my white blood cell count was sufficient enough to show I was healthy enough to fight the lingering infected rot in my body.  

That's graphic and I am not sorry.  It's real.  It's also not nearly as bad as other's experiences with eating disorders. I had a friend in college die in her sleep on a couch in an apartment she was renting with 3 other girls.  She was, a lot like me, healthy and normal looking, but dabbling in starvation, purging, and overexercising.  Her electrolyte balance was way off, which is the norm for people with this life style. Unfortunately her heart couldn't take it and she passed away after a brief afternoon jog, her roommates thinking she was sleeping off some college related stress or illness, didn't realize she had passed until the next day when they found her on the same couch she laid in the day before. She had been dead for over 6 hours.  

Times have changed.  I am healthier than ever and I have made sure to continue therapy and educating myself on nutrition and how to balance diet and exercise.  My body is still damaged.  I cannot digest things well, I had to have my gallbladder taken out. My reproductive system is permanently damaged. I haven't had a normal menstrual cycle since junior high and I don't have the ability to ovulate. On top of that my metabolism is abnormally slow.  There are other long term damages done to myself and the ones I love that may not be so easy to see but they are there.  

Again, it's graphic, and terrifying I know. I am not trying to terrify you.  I am only trying to set up for the main point of this blog post where I am asking you for your opinion.  These events I have told you about were going in my very early adulthood.  Think 2001-2005. Now here we are nearing the end of 2017 and I am 33 years young ;) I work out nearly every day.  Alternating between cardio days on the elliptical and other days are weight training and blah blah insert gym jargon here.  I normally watch TV during my time on the elliptical.  Usually it's my DVR shows so I can choose to fast forward through commercials.  You get he point.

A few weeks ago, we went on a vacation to visit my family.  While we were gone, I recorded The 2017 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in Shanghai.  I watch the VS fashion show every year.  I love lingerie, I love fashion, and I love the music used during their shows and the remixes they use (which were much better in past than now IMO).  I even download the music from the shows occasionally if I hear an especially good remix. (here's an old favorite: The Killers, when you were young, victoria's secret remix) Usually now it's live performances and snippets of songs in between. Either way, the excitement of the girls getting ready to go out and their nervousness and moments of anticipation is both entertaining and mesmerizing.  I don't have the experiences of being back stage during a fashion show so seeing what little snippets they offer, along with pre-recorded bio's of some the fashion models lives and where they are from, allow me to take a view behind the curtain.

Oh great, now I am on a deep space voyage on you tube listening to past remixes from the shows through out the years....

I digress, so basically I was working out, and sweating out all the sugar and laziness of my previous vacation, while watching essentially what is a show of scantily clad goddesses with unattainable (?) bodies who weight 23% less than the average American female in 2012. Compared to %8 of less of the average weight of an American Female in 1982.  I see this statistic all the time. Along with many others, comparing "our bodies", which are the consumers, to "their bodies" which are the models.  

This is where I normally put my disclaimer: I am not writing this in order to show I am rooting for one side and booing the other, nor am I trying to give you any information in order to sway your opinion towards mine.  I want this post to be neutral.  Because honestly, I myself, am neutral on this topic.  At least I think.  

I know the media can perform a sort of magic hat trick on our brains.  I know how advertising works. and I know about the controversies that have echoed through out the last couple decades over our mass media culture, our obsession with the latest trends and material items, and the pressure that woman feel, especially young women, to match what they see online and in magazines.  (refer to paragraphs above, yes, I have been there)

But what I want to know, am I STILL there?  Do you think what I am watching on the television in this example is unhealthy, especially for someone who has poor body image to begin with?  Or am I just using the fashion show as visual and audio stimulation to get me through my workout? Is it going in one ear and out the other? Or am I refilling mental document folders with powerful images that I worked so hard to empty many years ago?

One more thing. I am plus size. Yes.  I am all curves and no stop signs. I can still buy my bras and underwear from Victoria's Secret.  Can I wear ALL of their products? Hell no.  But before I even watched the show, while we were in Michigan, my Mom had to make a return to the mall and my husband and I found ourselves in land of sparkle and glitter and fantastically toxic smells.  Yes we were in my old home town "Vicky's", as I used to call it.  I found the most gorgeous- what can I call it? it's not a "robe", that brings to mind terry cloth and green face masks, it's like a drapey, poofy shouldered silver star studded boudoir wear that looks like it's from the dressing room of a black and white film starlet. 

I am seeing stars

It fit! I mean, it's just a ...er...robe. but we bought it and I am not ashamed, nor am I ashamed that I buy all of my workout tights and leggings and sports bras from Victoria's Secret.  But as I pass the many mirrors and see the model's images, airbrushed smiles, staring seductively over my shoulder, while front and center of the reflection, here is the real me. I jerk my eyes away and move on to the bottom drawers in the store that sell the garments for woman like me.  The pickings are "slim".   

Now, I want to know your opinion, really, on this topic.  You make comments on this blog anonymously even if you don't have a blogger account.  I won't know who wrote it. I want anyone's honest opinion whether it's via social media, blog comment, or email: lotusflower313@hotmail.com

Thanks!