The Black Dog Returns

Because I want my mental health and true life to be transparent and I want to share everything- I am going to do this post tonight although I'm not feeling well at all.  I have been battling depression and anxiety, in cycles, the last 6 weeks.  I also caught, I think, one of the flu type bugs going around or some type of strep throat.  but when you have depression AND anxiety, sometimes it's hard to tell which came first and if you get sick on top of that, it's like what came first? and if they all came at once....then WHY?? Ridiculous.  If you don't understand, I've got you.  I found this list of quotes and memes on a buzzfeed article the other day while surfing pinterest that sums up exactly what this is like.  and it made me LAUGH! While I was CRYING! But, these are legitimately funny, and oh so true so please take a look:

CLICK HERE TO LAUGH

Honestly, so incredibly funny.

I have actually met some other mental health bloggers, people similar to me who want to share their story and reach out to others.  Once I started blogging and met other bloggers and followed them and that lead to more people..you get the point. In my next post I'll share with you 3 awesome women whom I found on instagram who blog and/or talk openly about their struggles with mental health, body issues, being a mom, being a vegan...so look forward to that.  I just don't have the gumption right now to get into writing about my enthusiasm.  

I don't want to get too real on here and be a trigger for people by writing about how bad I really do feel during this particular depression episode.  but depression fries the brain and it's too cloudy to get into it anyway.  

I also just found out my best friend, my cat Peanut, (no really. I am serious about my cat being my bff. Shout out to all your crazy cat ladies and cat daddy's out there!) has kidney damage from her on-going hyperthyroidism.  I've worked in the animal industry in the past, so I know about the process and am realist about the fact that the damage is done despite my treating her hyperthyroidism with medication, this is a path to kidney failure. but she is 14 and this type of illness for senior cats pretty common.  There are a few things I can do to help, but there is no cure for kidney disease for cats.  It could be a matter of months or in best case scenarios a year to a couple years.  I want to be realistic about this...which is tough because to face this truthfully, I am identifying that the end is near, or at least in sight, for my best friend.  

I've had Peanut since she was 3 weeks old and was just youngin' myself at 19 years young and a freshman in college. At the time I wasn't really looking for the long term commitment of a cat or other small pet especially to be able to live in dorm or most college apartments you can't have a cat. However, because I worked at the Humane Society I ended up fostering her when she was found lost in a parking lot with out her mom or siblings.  Most likely because she was a runt and got left behind. She was super tiny.  Like the palm of my hand.  That's why I named her Peanut.  

Anyway, her and I have come such a long way together...she moved out to California with me from Michigan.  She was my college roommate.  and Eddie fell in love with her too so I figured why not marry him. heh...  Since experiencing a severe breakdown in my life in early 2015, I had lost my job and social life, etc, so she has been my constant buddy and companion more than ever the last couple years, especially since my husband works so much.  

Peanut and Mommy

Getting this news at the tail end of a brutal bout of depression has truly exhausted me.  I don't care how pathetic this sounds but I have been crying the last several days pretty much all the time. Crying while folding laundry, crying while petting and talking to Peanut, crying while I write this, crying while crying...wait....that's a double cry and yup I am pretty sure if a double cry existed, I have done that recently as well.  My current state of mind is very sad and ugly and not fun to be around.  I'm sorry that it makes people uncomfortable.  but to write about it to the best of my ability is what I am here to do.

In closing, I WILL be better soon and able to write and inspire and have mental stamina again, I promise (I promise to you and most importantly I promise to myself).

Here is a random video I found on YouTube a while back that I absolutely love because I like the band and Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette is one of my most beloved films.  I honestly watch this movie once a month because it's just pure eye candy.  And anything Sofia directs is always good to me. So this video below, it's not from the actual movie or soundtrack (which is also amazing too, btw) but it's still just as great and I didn't make it and don't know who did but the hauntingly beautiful voice of London Grammar's singer with this story line and the movie's art direction is terrific.  

So, take a look and listen, turn your sound on and enjoy.  If you are feeling sad right now too, feel free to cry with me.  We all need someone to cry with sometimes.

I'm wasting my young years