update: I've been working on this blog post for literally a month. I am surprised my blog still exists. I am sorry for my absence. I can't believe it's already February 17. I could talk about how bad my depression has been, and what it has ruined for me (a lot of things, a lot of progress, a lot of events and fun opportunities, a lot of professional and creative opportunities, a lot of mental health healing opportunities) but...let's not dwell. The only thing I want to say about this relapse is that many of us want to ask "so, what triggered it?" "did something happen to set you off?". Good questions to ponder, however after many, MANY years of ups and downs, I have realized for me that it is more important to realize that my depression spells will come out of NO WHERE. and it's better to be prepared for that.
hey friends. I know I can't see you but raise your hand if 2018 has been rough on you so far? Yeah, Me too. I have so many blessings and so many exciting things going on the last several weeks of the year, between the holidays and Eddie's birthday that I feel as if I was jumping from one event to the next and spending my in between time planning the next event, instead of also taking time out to do maintenance on my mind and body. Having mental illness and keeping in check is so tricky because if you forget for even one day that you have it and don't ignore your inner thought monsters, they will literally destroy you. At least that is how it is for me. January was such an easier month for me when it involved school and new classes etc. Yes, I have new opportunities this month but relapse has reared back and bit me hard in a most painful and surprising way.
I started with my good goals and intentions, which I listed out last post. So how is that going? Well, heh, let's see. I already admitted my depression relapsed. With depression comes many symptoms. For me, they can manifest physically. Sometimes, it is hard for me to tell if I am depressed or actually getting sick and if I am contagious. It normally starts with body aches, painful skin irritation (like hives or rashes but you can't see them, my skin just gets really sensitive to where even the feeling of water trickling down my back is agony). Of course, panic and anxiety bring gastrointestinal issues of all kinds, along with sweating, shaking, lightheaded and at it's worst vomiting and heart palpitations. Many of you I am sure experience the same. If you don't understand it probably sounds ridiculously hard for symptoms that are started by mental illness. But remember, all feelings, are chemicals. and drugs are chemicals. and think of all the drugs in the world, legal and illegal and think of the side effects they give you. Mental Illness works the SAME WAY, except the hormones and chemicals released and the processes the body goes through normally are not directly associated with a pill, or drug or injection. Your brain just just does it on it's own with out asking. Rude, right?
So during my war against depression relapse, I was trying my hardest to work out everyday, doing the daily yoga thing...WHICH HAS BEEN AMAZING! Have you tried the 30 days free yoga with Adriene? The link I just placed was intentional because it's day 8, and it's been my favorite so far because after working some good muscles and breathing and stretching, today we brought it back to mindfulness and meditation. and yes, I said day 8. I know, it's February. and my critical dialogue in my head whom I refer to Ms. Perfectionist is shaming me. but I have been putting in other types of workouts in between...and wait, I don't need to make excuses. I am doing this program and I am on day 8 and it's awesome and it's still free and HIGHLY RECOMMEND! **update- I am further along than day 8 now. It doesn't matter which day, right?
I titled this blog back to life, reality and revenge for a reason. Maybe some of you are familiar with the tv show on the E! channel called Revenge Body It's hosted by Khloe Kardashian and it's sort of like a reality show plus biggest looser combined. I read Khloe's book last summer called Strong Looks Better Naked and this sounds odd- but it inspired me.
Before I go further on this blog dropping Kardashian names like it doesn't have a profound effect on peoples opinions around the world, let me just say that if you find the family, or the name, or whatever annoying...I'm with you. On many days, I find a lot of things, or most things annoying. but when you are stuck at home with out a whole lot going on and battling mental illness, you learn to draw inspiration from anything and everything. or at least I recommend that you should try. When it comes to things that are going to exist in our world and we have no control over it , use it to your advantage. example- in mindfulness we use a bell or a common sound or signal we here everyday that reminds us to come to back to our front and center and focus on the moment. when a phone rings, children's laughter, because those things already happen daily. or set a timer to interrupt your day for mindfulness. I once did a mindfulness session every hour I was awake for a week straight and it changed my WORLD. I am not saying that you should force things that annoy you into your life, I am just suggesting that you never know when something will inspire you or how it will inspire you.
Reading her book inspired me MOVE MY BODY. yes i needed just one more time to hear that for it to really help. My therapist would tell me all the time to MOVE YOUR BODY. Plus, the book has good recipes and then the how Revenge Body started and i dvr'd it and saved each episode and used it as something to watch during elliptical workouts. I liked the show. It made me emotional. I cried every episode. It was better than most other things I was finding on tv at the time.
Then, since I am not afraid reality television nor shy from a camera, wait, yes I am, but I don't know... I am inspired and energetic and extremely self conscious at the same time. It's whatever...so, I looked online to the casting company for the show and saw it was taking applicants for seasons 2 & 3! Um..perfect! I wasn't currently working, and had family in the LA area so if for some crazy random reason I was chosen, I felt I could realistically commit. Filling out the giant application was therapeutic, no seriously. It asked me questions I hadn't thought of in years, or ever.
It asked me what were the top 3 accomplishments I was proud of and what words my friends would use to describe me. It forced me to remember that I had accomplishments and I had friends. I honestly was living in a bubble, and sometimes go back to this bubble, where I feel like my whole life is rotten because I am rotten. No, I have lived and lived well. It also asked who/what I would like revenge for. The concept of the show revolves around a transformation and a "reveal" for those who have hurt you or didn't believe in you.
I wanted to apply for revenge on an old job, bridesmaids who ditched me 3 months before my wedding, and friends and coworkers who left me high and dry when mental illness came back into my life, old bosses who said they would be there for me but then weren't. I wanted revenge on a company that fired me illegally. I wanted revenge for losing half of our income 3 months before our wedding. You get the point. but how was getting in shape and being inspired to live my best life related to revenge? I don't think it is. I don't want my recovery to be associated with revenge or "look at me now, aren't you mad you hurt my feelings?". That just...doesn't vibe with me.
Well, after a hiatus, the show is back on and I am glad I am watching it again while doing my cardio. There was an episode recently where the woman who was a guest decided that her journey was not for revenge, it was for her. "Yes girl" I was thinking while working out and crying.
I brought out my application recently to write this blog (I printed a paper version for rough draft but filled it out and submitted it online). Many of the answers would be so different, but the drive is still there. I looked online and it appeared the show was still taking applications. Maybe I should apply again?
hey friends. I know I can't see you but raise your hand if 2018 has been rough on you so far? Yeah, Me too. I have so many blessings and so many exciting things going on the last several weeks of the year, between the holidays and Eddie's birthday that I feel as if I was jumping from one event to the next and spending my in between time planning the next event, instead of also taking time out to do maintenance on my mind and body. Having mental illness and keeping in check is so tricky because if you forget for even one day that you have it and don't ignore your inner thought monsters, they will literally destroy you. At least that is how it is for me. January was such an easier month for me when it involved school and new classes etc. Yes, I have new opportunities this month but relapse has reared back and bit me hard in a most painful and surprising way.
I started with my good goals and intentions, which I listed out last post. So how is that going? Well, heh, let's see. I already admitted my depression relapsed. With depression comes many symptoms. For me, they can manifest physically. Sometimes, it is hard for me to tell if I am depressed or actually getting sick and if I am contagious. It normally starts with body aches, painful skin irritation (like hives or rashes but you can't see them, my skin just gets really sensitive to where even the feeling of water trickling down my back is agony). Of course, panic and anxiety bring gastrointestinal issues of all kinds, along with sweating, shaking, lightheaded and at it's worst vomiting and heart palpitations. Many of you I am sure experience the same. If you don't understand it probably sounds ridiculously hard for symptoms that are started by mental illness. But remember, all feelings, are chemicals. and drugs are chemicals. and think of all the drugs in the world, legal and illegal and think of the side effects they give you. Mental Illness works the SAME WAY, except the hormones and chemicals released and the processes the body goes through normally are not directly associated with a pill, or drug or injection. Your brain just just does it on it's own with out asking. Rude, right?
So during my war against depression relapse, I was trying my hardest to work out everyday, doing the daily yoga thing...WHICH HAS BEEN AMAZING! Have you tried the 30 days free yoga with Adriene? The link I just placed was intentional because it's day 8, and it's been my favorite so far because after working some good muscles and breathing and stretching, today we brought it back to mindfulness and meditation. and yes, I said day 8. I know, it's February. and my critical dialogue in my head whom I refer to Ms. Perfectionist is shaming me. but I have been putting in other types of workouts in between...and wait, I don't need to make excuses. I am doing this program and I am on day 8 and it's awesome and it's still free and HIGHLY RECOMMEND! **update- I am further along than day 8 now. It doesn't matter which day, right?
I titled this blog back to life, reality and revenge for a reason. Maybe some of you are familiar with the tv show on the E! channel called Revenge Body It's hosted by Khloe Kardashian and it's sort of like a reality show plus biggest looser combined. I read Khloe's book last summer called Strong Looks Better Naked and this sounds odd- but it inspired me.
Before I go further on this blog dropping Kardashian names like it doesn't have a profound effect on peoples opinions around the world, let me just say that if you find the family, or the name, or whatever annoying...I'm with you. On many days, I find a lot of things, or most things annoying. but when you are stuck at home with out a whole lot going on and battling mental illness, you learn to draw inspiration from anything and everything. or at least I recommend that you should try. When it comes to things that are going to exist in our world and we have no control over it , use it to your advantage. example- in mindfulness we use a bell or a common sound or signal we here everyday that reminds us to come to back to our front and center and focus on the moment. when a phone rings, children's laughter, because those things already happen daily. or set a timer to interrupt your day for mindfulness. I once did a mindfulness session every hour I was awake for a week straight and it changed my WORLD. I am not saying that you should force things that annoy you into your life, I am just suggesting that you never know when something will inspire you or how it will inspire you.
Reading her book inspired me MOVE MY BODY. yes i needed just one more time to hear that for it to really help. My therapist would tell me all the time to MOVE YOUR BODY. Plus, the book has good recipes and then the how Revenge Body started and i dvr'd it and saved each episode and used it as something to watch during elliptical workouts. I liked the show. It made me emotional. I cried every episode. It was better than most other things I was finding on tv at the time.
Then, since I am not afraid reality television nor shy from a camera, wait, yes I am, but I don't know... I am inspired and energetic and extremely self conscious at the same time. It's whatever...so, I looked online to the casting company for the show and saw it was taking applicants for seasons 2 & 3! Um..perfect! I wasn't currently working, and had family in the LA area so if for some crazy random reason I was chosen, I felt I could realistically commit. Filling out the giant application was therapeutic, no seriously. It asked me questions I hadn't thought of in years, or ever.
It asked me what were the top 3 accomplishments I was proud of and what words my friends would use to describe me. It forced me to remember that I had accomplishments and I had friends. I honestly was living in a bubble, and sometimes go back to this bubble, where I feel like my whole life is rotten because I am rotten. No, I have lived and lived well. It also asked who/what I would like revenge for. The concept of the show revolves around a transformation and a "reveal" for those who have hurt you or didn't believe in you.
I wanted to apply for revenge on an old job, bridesmaids who ditched me 3 months before my wedding, and friends and coworkers who left me high and dry when mental illness came back into my life, old bosses who said they would be there for me but then weren't. I wanted revenge on a company that fired me illegally. I wanted revenge for losing half of our income 3 months before our wedding. You get the point. but how was getting in shape and being inspired to live my best life related to revenge? I don't think it is. I don't want my recovery to be associated with revenge or "look at me now, aren't you mad you hurt my feelings?". That just...doesn't vibe with me.
Well, after a hiatus, the show is back on and I am glad I am watching it again while doing my cardio. There was an episode recently where the woman who was a guest decided that her journey was not for revenge, it was for her. "Yes girl" I was thinking while working out and crying.
I brought out my application recently to write this blog (I printed a paper version for rough draft but filled it out and submitted it online). Many of the answers would be so different, but the drive is still there. I looked online and it appeared the show was still taking applications. Maybe I should apply again?
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| Baroque coloring and Pressed Juicery. |
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