No, seriously. As a wife of a funeral director/embalmer, I am often asked, "how do you deal with his job?" and "doesn't it upset you?", things like that. When I first met Eddie, he was deployed in the army. We were getting to know each other online and on the phone and whenever he would tell me about something he was interested in, I'd get a book about it. When I learned what his job was before, and for a few years during, his army career, I found an amazing book: "Stiff, The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, by Mary Roach".
I dove right in un-severed head first in the world of what happens to us, or at least our bodies, after we die. Since then she has written several books and I recommend each one. I found out that the book had part written about the now closed school where Eddie got his education and licence. It also had an interview with one of his beloved past professors. So naturally, I gave him the book as a Christmas gift. After these events, the dark and shadowy place my mind went to when I thought of death had been enlightened.
But when it comes to grief, well no books can shield us or really prepare us for that. but it might help. You may remember a resent blog post I wrote explaining that my Cat, Peanut, who is 14 years old and we've been together since she was 2 weeks old and I was only 19, had been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure. There is no cure for animals with failing kidneys. They don't fix themselves as the liver does and there's not a donor program for pets. Not that giving your pet the trauma of trying out a new organ is the best idea anyhow.
Grief is a shot in the dark and one of those processes where you never know what you'll get on a daily basis. Of course, it's devastating when a person dies, this we know. but there is something different about losing a pet. With a cat or dog, you've known only good times and warm feelings so our attachment is very different. Just as with an elderly married couple, if one of them dies, the other isn't getting that daily dose of dopamine and familiarity, and can make the process even harder.
As a child I can remember thinking and even saying things like, "at least my cat loves me" or having a feeling of pride and commitment to one's first pet. Having a cat as an adult doesn't really change that feeling, it just changes the way we think about it and express it. There are many instances where a person loses a beloved pet and can't talk about it for 2 years with out tearing up, but was able to talk fondly and comfortably of their parents shortly they had passed away. How do I know this? Online support groups for grief. Yes, I am researching and preparing myself for grief. My cat is still with us and I have already gone from crying about it on a daily basis to pre-planning her at home euthanasia and studying the symptoms of her illness that are common so I would know ahead of time where I would draw the line between having a good quality of life and when to say goodbye. (oh shit, typing that last sentence, especially word goodbye, sure made me tear up though!)
As anything in life, going through the grief process is going to be more troubling for those prone to depression and other mental illnesses. Again, it's the big question of, "am I having a depression episode or am I just grieving normally?". Yes, I know that there is "no normal" but I have found a book that does define normal ways of grieving for a pet because so many adults have such a hard time with it, and our fellow adults don't see what the big deal is. Because of this, there are actually quite a few books out there on this subject. And thank God, because I was already wondering how I was going to literally survive this change in my life. I'll show and tell what I found and maybe it will help someone else out there going through the same thing.
While I do see a therapist, and I could have heard it from her, I was relieved to find out that my reaction was "normal". This book is where I learned it first. I was having a hard time distinguishing my depression symptoms to my sadness and crying over finding out Peanut's diagnoses. The simplest words are really the best when you are looking for understanding. Here is the a quote from the back cover:
"You just came home from the veterinarian’s office, and it feels like your heart is on a rollercoaster ride. You heard that your cat has a life-threatening illness. She has one week or, at best, a few months to live.
Your veterinarian tells you, “There is no cure!”
You say to yourself, “What am I going to do with the loss of my cat…my heart is breaking?”
Rest assure there is help with this grief book. Consider it part of your support team for pet bereavement. Your emotional emergency first-aid kit that will support you through the rollercoaster ride that you are about to take."
-My Cat is Dying: What do I do? By Wendy Van De Poll
This writer is really helping me through these before stages. There is also a chance to do some journaling type feed back at the end of each chapter, which I love. Writing about things that are difficult can make a huge difference. Case in point: this blog. I will be getting another book from her series when the time comes.
This next book is hands on and is really sweet. My husband and I have had some fun and cute memories come up while answering all the questions in this journal. There are places for photos, it asks questions that prompt you to remember things you might have forgotten, precious memories. There are parts of the journal you can fill in before, and after, you lose your pet. This book is also dog friendly too...or any pet really. It doesn't specify. Now instead of feeling overwhelmed 24/7, I set aside time to be with Peanut. Special time where I can really focus on her and use my journals and books.
There are other things that I am slowly going through to pick out as well such as pet memorial jewelry as well. I am saving those ideas and setting them aside for later.
Thank you so much for reading this and being here with me on my journey. If you have anything to share, feel free to comment me below or fill out the email/message box on the blog's main page. I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter!
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