Honey, I'm home!

Hurray! It's great! I'm here! We made it! I'm back! What's happening?!

Yes, it's true. It's all true. We live in Michigan now.  Eddie, Peanut and I live in Northern Michigan. Only a 3 hour drive from my parents and family.  After a decade we said goodbye to San Francisco and are living the good life in the Great Lakes State.  Let's catch up, shall we? I'll let you know about a bunch of things at once right now, in bullet points because a paragraph per subject is just WAY too much.

• first, I want to thank you for reading this, thank you for supporting me online and engaging with me. I want you to know I have been developing lots of content during my hiatus and move across the country and there is MUCH, SO MUCH, to tell you about. Big secrets, stories, things to read and look at and VIDEOS! 
• Videos??? I'm a blogger. I hide behind my computer. I am ashamed of how I look. I don't want to see anyone. Is this all true? Yes. However, "vlogging" has been on radar for over a year now and it's time to just record things and blast it out in the name of real mental health support and creativity. I have been working on recording much more of my life in video form than I have been used to. I'll get to the point of being in front the camera, talking, live etc, but for now it's mostly been me behind the camera. and doing what I do best, talking and being creative. 
• dammit, look at me writing a paragraph per topic like I said I wouldn't. *eyes rolling*
• I am much happier here but this move hasn't happend without it's hardships.  I have some true life online therapy chatter to share with you.  It's word for word what I tell my therapist online using talk space, an app I used to get therapy I need during the move and gap between our insurance coverage. I LOVE using this app. The therapists are great. (insert cliche "Not Sponsored" disclaimer here")

So here's some therapy chatter. Welcome to my talk space:

my primary concerns are the depression and anxiety. I can handle the pain of cysts bursting, aching muscles and joints. i think the fibro pain eases with better management of mental symptoms and also weight loss.
this past week has honestly been really positive. I got out of the house by myself for the first time since moving here. twice now. once to go to secretary of state for my new driver's liscence and again today for a wax appointment.
we are getting out more as a couple. visited the farmers market, went on a hike, out to dinner with a co-worker.
In the past, I dealt with stress by being in control and perfecting my appearance and my grades and trying to look good and come across as intelligent. but I also played the guitar and piano and wrote poetry and wrote songs. and was always so proud of that.
I've pined over those guitar playing sing writing days for YEARS. why do so many musicians/artists/creatives stop doing what they love as they age?
and by aging in this example I mean later 20s early 30s. it's not a problem with time or access to instruments or creative thoughts. I plenty of time and a couple of guitars. why does poetry seem wasteful or harder to write than daily journals?
music is/was my life and I'm always shying away from it because it makes me FEEL  and already FEEL too much. my iTunes library is massive and barely used. my guitars are dusty. I haven't touched a piano in years.
sometimes i notice my writing is worse than ever. i barely recognize things I've written sometimes because they seem so much more advanced than what i can produce now.
my husband and i are looking to start a weekly sailing class  and there's also a weekly mediation group i want to join. i want to pprove I can commit. then I feel I can get a job because I've shown I can be reliable.
a huge dream of mine is to make enough money off of my blog so that i don't need an outside job. It's my own blog and I'm my own boss. but I feel my posts have gone to shit and i have a hard time deciding what's worthy of a post.
I'm trying to add all of these  things back into my life while also unpacking our stuff and making things in our new home accessible. too many goals at once.

I want to open myself up and place inside my guitar and a piano and my books of poetry and my love for animals and my mental health blog and sew myself back up and jump into a fire and become the embers that float above it because I feel that would be the best representation of myself.

Whew! Ok so as always I'm going to promise (myself mostly) that I'll be back really soon and thanks again for stopping by and here's where to find me on facebook,  instagram, twitter, & pinterest  accounts. and yes I have a youtube channel (insert sidebar: so apparently I have 2 channels. 311hautensmart & hautensmart311 so that's weird and I honestly didn't realize I had so much embarrassing and short videos online, or I conveniently forgot but that's what I do is embarrass myself and learn from it and always say no regrets!)(and please watch this drunken monstrosity from 2011 OMFG.) but there isn't anything new there so don't be disappointed. I promise to tell you when I put up something I actually worked on and created something new. 

Wow. I really gave you all a lot of raw and unfiltered stuff today.  I'm going to go for a swim with my hubby. and here's some bird doodles for you for the road