The Black Dog Days

I HAD to have a blog post mentioning the "Dog Days of Summer" right? I mean, how pun-ny! (as in The Black Dog/ The Dog Days of Summer. Get it?!)

I am all about gratitude and have so SO SO much to be grateful for! Thank God! But even while the sun is shining and the weather is sweet, let's acknowledge the mental illness that's still there. Let's shine a light on it and remind ourselves it's there so it doesn't sneak up on us. Here's what I've been feelin'

Firstly, I have to share the major breakdown I experienced in March. Probably a couple of weeks after we moved here. I didn't break down in a sense that I lost control of myself but I totally lost control, and I mean complete control, of my feelings.  I was working my way down a long list I had printed of all the psychiatrists in our area. Calling to see who was available for new patients.  It was reminding me of prior frustrations I experienced doing that exact thing in the past.  I can't tell you how much I've suffered trying to find, schedule, and rely on access to psychiatrists.  Seems like it would be simple to find, especially in San Francisco/Bay Area, but nope. There was a "shortage" of  psychiatrists taking new patients.  Honestly I was printing off page after page of lists of doctors in the area that were available and taking my insurance. and of course the insurance's website is where I printed this list from.  None of them were taking new patients! None! I had to start looking at 75 miles away! It was awful. Oh! and I've had a few times where I experienced unprofessional and sometimes even hurtful psychologists whom I felt insulated me in person and on the phone. Just some really bad experiences.

So here I am in Michigan now, starting on my list of area psychiatrists, printed from google. and I keep getting the same deal. No one is available. or they retired. It was dawning on me I might be driving over the Mackinac bridge in the dead of winter, during the polar vortex to see a psychiatrist in the U.P.!

and I lost it. I was SCREAM CRYING. I will admit. Like super loud frustrating crying. I felt like I was having a teenage melt down.  That's how hormonal this rage was.  (and no, I wasn't pre-menstrual. because PCOS I don't ovulate or get my periods without the the help of medication. a medication which I wasn't taking at the time.)

So that was my post move-in break down from hell.  There's not much more to tell except that it was hours of rage. and that terrified me. I randomly made a video after that talking about what I went through and then it kinda turned into a tour of our apartment.  Maybe I'll put that up online at some point.  Who makes a recording right after having a mental breakdown?!

Here's a secret of mine I don't talk about too often: I feel like I am too sensitive for this world.  As in, I feel like I care "too much" about animals and peoples feelings to live a normally functioning life.  I know that isn't a crazy juicy secret or doesn't seem too dramatic but the way it makes me FEEL is immense.  Just tremendous sadness and loneliness sometimes when I think about it.  Does anyone else ever feel that way?

Thanks for hanging out with me for a few minutes. Please leave a comment if you experience any of these things too.  We are not alone!