Despite the many blessings in my life, I still find myself coming back to bitterness and dread. I realize that this is somehow tied to my mental illness, but it's always something I want to change and work on. I am often complimented on my positivity and compassion for others. Then why do I find myself feeling jealousy and at times contempt for others? I sometimes can't help but wonder why I feel this way and if it's normal? I don't find it interrupting my thoughts daily, per-say, but enough for me to notice it. It feels rotten.
Comparison is the thief of joy. This we know. I've wrote before about the social media paradox, and even smiling depression. I think social media browsing is cause for a lot of jealousy and "fomo" that we experience. We post about the best parts of our lives and pictures of vacations and holidays. Of course it's going to seem like everyone else is having it much better. That's mostly an instagram phenomenon, in my opinion. Because facebook can seem like the opposite. There are many more scattered complaints on facebook and sometimes the toxicity leaks into real life. As a younger woman, the internet was rife with body comparisons and eating disorder inspiration and of course that's awful. For me, it's not so much the comparison of bodies anymore, but of life style. I work hard and try to give myself credit where it's due and I really do have so much happiness in my life. but why do I find myself pining for endless vacations and experiences that I feel others are having without me? Is it all in my head?
Sometimes I feel like I'm balancing between extreme compassion and grief for others ( examples: "why is that man walking in the snow? by choice? I feel awful even thinking that he has no choice but to trudge through the snow to get around".) and jealousy ( examples: "how can they afford that? I wish we didn't care about credit card debt and could vacation like we used to. It's not fair that they are having those experiences and we are not".) These thoughts alone, make me feel awful, but as many a therapist has told me, thoughts are not an absolute truth. We must take in to account what we are thinking and whether or not we actually believe them and want to feel them. I'm not meaning this post to be toxic in and of itself, and to drag you all down with me, so I've come up with several ways I can help myself, and others, feel better about our own lives.
Comparison is the thief of joy. This we know. I've wrote before about the social media paradox, and even smiling depression. I think social media browsing is cause for a lot of jealousy and "fomo" that we experience. We post about the best parts of our lives and pictures of vacations and holidays. Of course it's going to seem like everyone else is having it much better. That's mostly an instagram phenomenon, in my opinion. Because facebook can seem like the opposite. There are many more scattered complaints on facebook and sometimes the toxicity leaks into real life. As a younger woman, the internet was rife with body comparisons and eating disorder inspiration and of course that's awful. For me, it's not so much the comparison of bodies anymore, but of life style. I work hard and try to give myself credit where it's due and I really do have so much happiness in my life. but why do I find myself pining for endless vacations and experiences that I feel others are having without me? Is it all in my head?
Sometimes I feel like I'm balancing between extreme compassion and grief for others ( examples: "why is that man walking in the snow? by choice? I feel awful even thinking that he has no choice but to trudge through the snow to get around".) and jealousy ( examples: "how can they afford that? I wish we didn't care about credit card debt and could vacation like we used to. It's not fair that they are having those experiences and we are not".) These thoughts alone, make me feel awful, but as many a therapist has told me, thoughts are not an absolute truth. We must take in to account what we are thinking and whether or not we actually believe them and want to feel them. I'm not meaning this post to be toxic in and of itself, and to drag you all down with me, so I've come up with several ways I can help myself, and others, feel better about our own lives.
- Start a gratitude journal. Isn't this hard because it seems like just thinking what we are thankful for good enough? Apparently not. So it's important that we write down at least 3 things a day we are grateful for. It helps to include your roommate or partner in this to keep yourself accountable. Don't forget the little things! What about that co-worker who is always in a good mood? or the fact that your package was delivered on time? Those are wins! and better yet- share with your co-worker or mail man how you appreciate them.
- Mindfulness- Yes, I'm a huge proponent of mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness meditation is a way to stay present in the moment and calmly acknowledging thoughts, feelings, and situations. I used to bring in up in almost every blog post because I think it's that good for you. I didn't want to sound like a broken record though. Like usual, I'll promote the Calm App because it's been such a life saver for me. I've been using it consistently since 2015, and have been practicing mindfulness since I was 19 years old.
- Spend time in nature. I love birds and all animals and swimming but that doesn't mean I'm forcing myself to get outside everyday. (well, I have been more the last 6 months than any other time) Just looking at the birds outside brings me so much joy and peace. but the act walking outside works even better. Which brings me to my next subject...
- Exercise. Those endorphins. You can't escape their magic and power. I'm not saying that this means you should always go for a run or hit the gym every time you are down. That's not practicable. Many of us can't afford gym memberships, or maybe aren't fit enough to run or jog or even walk. Moving your body can mean just doing the dishes. During panic attacks, I would simply walk circles around my living room, naming things I see and touching them to pull me out of it.
- Look through pictures of old vacations. A lot of my ungrateful thoughts were about wishing I could join the experiences and trips of others. Which is ridiculous because I have had So. Many. Amazing. Experiences and vacations! I've been all over California (San Francisco, Yosemite, San Diego, the freaking Playboy Mansion!) and I've been to Jamaica and Las Vegas, Florida and Disneyland and Disney world! and I have had experiences ranging from camping on a budget and eating hotdogs for every meal- all the way to VIP style suites and services. and there is more to come! I find myself getting excited just thinking about it. Thinking of trips and vacation memories also reminds me family and friends...
- Spend time with family. Gosh, nothing reminds you that you are truly lucky and blessed more than spending time with our "elders". When you are hearing Old Aunt Gertie complaining about her back pain and bunions, instead of rolling your eyes, maybe realize how lucky you are to be, at the moment, younger and pain free. Feeling friendless (ahem, millennials) look to your siblings, cousins, in-laws and step-siblings. They are built in friendships that have no choice but to last a lifetime.
- Last but not least, lucky number 7 is creativity. Uhg. I love it! I have been blessed with a HUGE imagination that at the worst causes me to be a listless dreamer and at it's best helps me to become a talented woman who can invent her own ways to make income and stay healthy. Here is a small smattering of what I have done in the last couple months that uses creativity: write poems and blog posts, color in coloring books, learn to draw birds better, doodle pictures of squirrels in love, make cards, glue glitter to everything, take pictures for fun and for work, decorate my house, do my makeup....see how easy it is to use creativity? I bet you're doing it right now even.
I hope reading this list helps you as much as writing it did for me. Do you experience any of the problems with gratitude that I listed above? Please know that you are not alone. In any of this. I'm here too and living this same life on this same planet of crazy and beautiful experiences. Try to see the sunshine out there!
BEAUTIFULLY said Lindsay I love everything you wrote ��
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Judy!
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