Why I'm Sober

It's not that I am trying to stay sober 24/7 or that I said one day that I am going to stop smoking and drinking and then did it. It just sort of...happened. Also, about 3 years ago I quit smoking cigarettes after smoking since I was 17. How and why? Well, I'd love to tell yeah!

I probably thought this shot was "artsy" circa 2012

smoke cigarettes till the day she dies

I used to LOVE smoking. When I started as a teenager (cringe! sorry Mom! but she knows...), anyway, when I started, I loved the secret act of it. It was my private time. At home or at work. It was me time and gave me a little buzz. I loved having my own secrets. Since I was a little tot, I did the weirdest things by myself to feel I had control over my life. I think this started as part of it. Also, because it was fucking "cool". duh. My super naughty friends in high school did it too (cringe). It seemed only right. I also knew it suppressed my appetite so having that effect with an eating disorder was a bonus. Back in these days, smoking inside was still the norm. Working in a restaurant made access extremely easy. or I'd just play "hey mister" standing outside of the gas station. I would say I was usually a "full time" smoker most of the years after but smoked much more when I drank.  The two went hand in hand, so when I quit drinking (again, I didn't do it on purpose) it was easier to quit smoking. So you ready to hear it? The big mystery of how I quit?

Get this- I quit smoking because at one point I was so depressed, like bed ridden depressed, that going outside for a smoke wasn't even worth it. So I stopped. and that's the big reveal! It should NOT have been that easy for me but it was. I was 32 years old. I know I must've tapered down some and it wasn't just cold turkey. but that was really how it happened. I didn't set out to quit at a certain time but I also didn't want to be a smoker anymore either. So I guess the year was 2016. I know vaping started getting pretty popular then. I am SO GLAD that I didn't start that. I think it would have made it easier to smoke inside and there for keep smoking. Of course I was nervous about the weight gain. and spoiler alert- I did gain weight. but during those years I was increasingly gaining weight no matter what so it was just another thing to make it worse. I'd have to say my biggest supporter for quitting was my Mom. She was so super duper proud of me that the pride she had in me helped me to stay a non-smoker.  Not that Eddie didn't support me- but my Mom was just over-the-top supportive and that really helped. Thanks Mom!

smoke 2 joints before I smoke 2 joints

What about marijuana? Word. but edibles are the best, IMO. I would get those super expensive vape pens when I still lived in California and the selection was huge because it was recreational. They aren't really worth the money though-again, IMO. Also, and I don't know if this is just tobacco vaping or what, but people are getting really sick and blowing their faces off! No thanks! However, since we are trying to get pregnant, I'm also not using my medical marijuana card either. Could I use in between hormone therapy sessions and timed intercourse? Sure! but I just want to give this every shot I can (no pun intended) and for me that means staying sober.

It's five o'clock somewhere, not here

I couldn't bring myself to use another Sublime song for this paragraph title. Anyways, so about drinking. The same thing sort of happened here that happened with smoking cigarettes. Did my depression used to go together with drinking super well? Of course! I used to get so emotional and drunk and then moody and then some how on top of that, creative and stay up till morning writing poetry and crying and making art! It was kind of incredible! but also kind of sad. I look back at my sketchbooks from then and man, is it sad. It's really sad. Like the type of thoughts you have about dying and not moving forward with life and thoughts like that. Drinking had become no longer a social thing, but a self destructing thing. Again, I just sort of stopped. and then when I would drink again, it just felt gross. I wanted my control back. and I wanted to give weight loss a decent try too and I was sick of adding up my calories for the day and realizing I couldn't eat if I wanted to drink too.  (not saying it's impossible to drink and not lose weight cuz it is and I know of some bad bitches who drink and party and then hit the gym who look and feel fabulous. but it just wasn't for me) 

Legal or not...no matter what...these things are substances. and substances effect us differently at different times in our lives. I chalk it up to changing brain chemistry. Kind of like how my memory isn't as great during the years I was SEVERELY depressed (2015-2018), things changed in my brain and those actions and substances just didn't feel as good as they used to. I had to work really hard to make everyday life feel just as good. and still have to work hard to make it feel good. and probably always will.

I feel like the vibe of this blog post is really casual but it's just the way it's flowing out. I know how hard quitting drinking and smoking is for others and what a problem it is and how much damage it does and I wish I could tell you all that I fought valiantly and conquered these demons and waged a war but honestly my war was with myself and my mental health and these substances were just other pawns in the game. My mental health is always balancing on the levels of hormones and chemicals that I can't very well control. At least I can control what I put in me. for the most part.

This is the end of this weeks blog but I wanted to add on the link to my etsy shop! Hooray! As of now there are only a limited edition of a very special Valentine's Day card, but more will be added soon! CLICK HERE