Here's another post about my cat! You guys, call me crazy, but it won't be the last one even though she is no longer with us on earth. As many of you know, Peanut has passed away peacefully with Mommy and Daddy by her side on Friday, March 20 at approx 11:30am. She is in the greatest of care in heaven. She is bounding and free and happy and we are so happy for her to leave this life that has become so painful for her. Now, we are left in a world of hurt and pain. but so is everyone else. Because of Corona/Covid.
I know we all feel like we are going a little crazy with all the new changes to our way of life. Eddie and I are certainly getting used to our new way of life without Peanut as well. How I am able to start writing about this and it's only been 24 hours is a enigma to me- but somehow I have found the strength the open my laptop, and open my heart, to share this with you. but getting out of the house, responsibly, has helped me as well. We are safely going for short walks in our neighbor and because Eddie still has to work at the funeral home, I've been able to go in with him and "help" as well. I am here with him now actually. We are sitting at his desk. He is working on obituaries and I am working on this here blog. and I just had the fantastic idea of writing an obituary for Peanut! So stay tuned for that. So exciting? Right? lol
*sigh* We are not as highly functioning all the time as it may seem in the previous paragraph. There is a lot of walking around aimlessly in our house, sobbing. Sometimes when I'm sobbing and wailing and our new bird, Pistachio, can't tell the difference between happy or sad noises and likes to react to all sounds. So even when I am sobbing out loud, he is chirping a fierce and happy song back to me, reminding me I am NOT alone. I am crying out randomly when the sharp pains of grief stick through my chest. It feels like someone is pulling my heart out of my body through my back. It takes my breath away. It literally hurts my chest. The grief is so very physical.
I find it ironic that my last blog post was about my daily life because I had started to really feel like I had a routine I enjoyed and was proud of. and now look how it has all changed. No more caring for Peanut, no more shifts at the shop downtown, no more gyrokineses classes. Very hard and sad for us all that we are losing these little opportunities we have to meet as a community and heal. I was sort of feeling sorry for myself that I am not able to do all the little things one can do to distract during this incredibly hard time of grief. I can't go to the movies or out to a nice meal. Getting out of the house now, even to go to work, is SUCH a blessing! I hope I don't lose that soon, but I may. I am preparing for that. I'm just trying to stick with Eddie as much as possible. As many of you know, he is my best friend, and our little triad of Peanut, Eddie and I is missing a leg right now so Eddie and I desperately need each other.
I thought I was going to be handling this MUCH worse than am. but also how can I be surprised? You guys, I have been grieving her for YEARS! YEARS!! Remember my very first post when she was diagnosed? Here is is! That was April 2018. She was diagnosed in January 2018. There have been so many different parts of the illness and processes that have allowed us to grieve in smaller increments. Before Peanut even died, I would spend hours crying about it sometimes. I felt crazy at that time for crying about the thought of losing her when she was perfectly healthy but I think I was preparing myself little by little.
We have donated ALL of her extra medical supplies, such as fluids and medications, prescription food and cat litter to our local animal hospital. They were very grateful for everything and I couldn't have asked for a better experience. Here's a link to their website in case anyone in the Traverse City Area is looking for a veterinarian (Bay Area Pet Hospital) We of course kept all of her personal items such as toys, favorite blankets and cushions and I have been saving Peanut hair from brushing and whiskers for years. There are so many fantastic artists out there who make the most beautiful keepsakes with these small memories of our friends. Stay tuned for all the cremain jewelry, paw prints, felted replicas made of her fur, because I am getting ALL of the the keepsakes, just like any other sane cat-lady.
I think I will go over more intimate details of saying goodbye to Peanut at a later time. but I will say it was so Peaceful. I felt the angels surrounding her before she was even gone. I have made it a point to document the process leading up to her passing on social media. It may seem like a strange thing to do, to share something so horribly sad, but I am in the habit now of sharing some of my hardest and most intimate details online so that others can take comfort in knowing they aren't the only ones to go through this. Here's a link to my Facebook and you can see all of the little video updates. The best way to view this journey though is by looking at my Peanut and Peanut2 stories on my Instagram stories.
If you have mental illness, you are not alone.
If you are depressed or anxious or having daily panic attacks (me too!), you are not alone.
If you just lost a loved one, and are completely devastated already on top of all of this scary covid stuff, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I know that every time humans are under a crisis like this, our special fuzzy critters and pets are also going to be affected. You know how much I care about all animals. So to combat the fear, I am going to help animals the best I can. I know that many animals need homes right now as shelters are cutting down on staff and it's becoming harder to adopt. but there are animals who need homes! What a great time to get a special fuzzy friend and bond together while you are home for these next weeks. Kittens and puppies are easier to train when you are home with them during the crucial first months. Please thing about giving a furry friend a home.
The Dave Ramsey in me also wants us to remain frugal in these times and though adopting a fuzzy baby is tempting right now- remember that they do cost money. Even the "free ones". Please make sure you have enough money to comfortably care for them in case they get sick or injured. You don't want that guilt on your heart if you couldn't afford the care they needed. so maybe fostering is a better idea for some of us. If you call the local shelters, I am sure they will guide you to certain critters who need a temporary home.
Animals are so healing to me. So a lot of my advice right now involves looking to our animal friends. I am putting more bird seed outside and snacks for squirrels and always lots of fresh water for the neighborhood cats and squirrels to drink. I keep a fountain on our front porch that has a water warmer so it doesn't freeze. I woke up this morning to so many paw prints in the snow layer on a our front deck so I know they were lapping up the water and grateful for the drink. I'm always looking for anyway to watching animals and see animals in any capacity. They just bring me so much joy.
What am I doing for my mental health right now? Let me tell you, A LOT. I have already had a couple of therapy sessions via zoom (an app that businesses use to have teleconferences) and I have also had a virtual appointment with my psychiatrist and both know what I am currently going through. It's important I keep them updated. Please reach out to your therapist, or find one! Let them know how you are doing. Find a mental health provider if you can. All of us should really. If you are uninsured or can't afford help, please contact NAMI who works for us nation wide. I'll also share that we decided to take a small break from TTC (trying to conceive). I have decided to take a break from trying for now for one reason: medication. Let's take the stigma out. Ready? Let me tell you that I have needed to take xanax and use my medical marijuana card to help me through this process with Peanut. I am not ashamed to say I need these medications right now. and I realize they are not safe for pregnancy. So for that reason I am going to take the next cycle off. I'm sure not taking hormones for one month may help ease the emotional side effects. but I also need to remember I have PCOS and my hormones are always out of whack anyway.
Let me tell you guys something so super sad but true. I would sometimes wonder, and I KNOW this sounds ridiculous, but I sort of wondered if maybe Peanut was going to somehow know when I get pregnant and then leave. Isn't that ridiculous? but I couldn't help but wonder! Maybe some how I would get knocked-up and Peanut would be like, "ok well they got their baby and I can die happy now!". I'm rolling my eyes at myself. I knew that wasn't going to happen deep down inside. but I was a few days late last week and I was like, "well maybe.....". Sorry for the TMI but woke up on the morning of her euthanasia appt and I got my. fucking. period. No joke. I knew I was going to get it the day I had to bring my cat in to be put down! We make plans, and God laughs right? However, I am so relieved for the chance to take my anxiety meds freely for the time being and look after my own health first.
I have so much more to share you guys. and new ideas and plans. Things that don't involve talking about Peanut. but everything I am doing right now is coming from a place of love for her.
Please email me, message me, call me if you want! and to all of you who have helped us through this hard time! Thank you so very much! We will still need your support but so far we are getting through it. Maybe I will post a blog about how my birthday went because that was honestly the last hooray for my family and close friends. We all went out on the town one last time and even Peanut pepped up for the weekend and was able to say goodbye to my family who visited. What a beautiful weekend it was. God bless Peanut, she just held on long enough. How in the world am I so lucky? So anyway, yea my birthday was fantastic and I think I'll write about all the things we did because I am just missing the ability to go out and play around town right now.
What else do you guys want to hear about? You wanna hear about my new podcast idea? because I've been dying to share that too. We'll all keep in touch, ok? Thank you so much everyone for messaging support and I feel all the love. I feel like I always need to close out with a reminder to support local businesses and here's a link to my etsy store because I'm currently un-able to work as well so every freaking dollar helps, ya'll! I only have a few items on there but there is a still a 10% off sale for my birthday month of March. You are helping me right now by reading this blog! Please feel free to share my blog as well because every new reader helps in the fight to break the stigma. How can I support you?
I know we all feel like we are going a little crazy with all the new changes to our way of life. Eddie and I are certainly getting used to our new way of life without Peanut as well. How I am able to start writing about this and it's only been 24 hours is a enigma to me- but somehow I have found the strength the open my laptop, and open my heart, to share this with you. but getting out of the house, responsibly, has helped me as well. We are safely going for short walks in our neighbor and because Eddie still has to work at the funeral home, I've been able to go in with him and "help" as well. I am here with him now actually. We are sitting at his desk. He is working on obituaries and I am working on this here blog. and I just had the fantastic idea of writing an obituary for Peanut! So stay tuned for that. So exciting? Right? lol
*sigh* We are not as highly functioning all the time as it may seem in the previous paragraph. There is a lot of walking around aimlessly in our house, sobbing. Sometimes when I'm sobbing and wailing and our new bird, Pistachio, can't tell the difference between happy or sad noises and likes to react to all sounds. So even when I am sobbing out loud, he is chirping a fierce and happy song back to me, reminding me I am NOT alone. I am crying out randomly when the sharp pains of grief stick through my chest. It feels like someone is pulling my heart out of my body through my back. It takes my breath away. It literally hurts my chest. The grief is so very physical.
I find it ironic that my last blog post was about my daily life because I had started to really feel like I had a routine I enjoyed and was proud of. and now look how it has all changed. No more caring for Peanut, no more shifts at the shop downtown, no more gyrokineses classes. Very hard and sad for us all that we are losing these little opportunities we have to meet as a community and heal. I was sort of feeling sorry for myself that I am not able to do all the little things one can do to distract during this incredibly hard time of grief. I can't go to the movies or out to a nice meal. Getting out of the house now, even to go to work, is SUCH a blessing! I hope I don't lose that soon, but I may. I am preparing for that. I'm just trying to stick with Eddie as much as possible. As many of you know, he is my best friend, and our little triad of Peanut, Eddie and I is missing a leg right now so Eddie and I desperately need each other.
I thought I was going to be handling this MUCH worse than am. but also how can I be surprised? You guys, I have been grieving her for YEARS! YEARS!! Remember my very first post when she was diagnosed? Here is is! That was April 2018. She was diagnosed in January 2018. There have been so many different parts of the illness and processes that have allowed us to grieve in smaller increments. Before Peanut even died, I would spend hours crying about it sometimes. I felt crazy at that time for crying about the thought of losing her when she was perfectly healthy but I think I was preparing myself little by little.
We have donated ALL of her extra medical supplies, such as fluids and medications, prescription food and cat litter to our local animal hospital. They were very grateful for everything and I couldn't have asked for a better experience. Here's a link to their website in case anyone in the Traverse City Area is looking for a veterinarian (Bay Area Pet Hospital) We of course kept all of her personal items such as toys, favorite blankets and cushions and I have been saving Peanut hair from brushing and whiskers for years. There are so many fantastic artists out there who make the most beautiful keepsakes with these small memories of our friends. Stay tuned for all the cremain jewelry, paw prints, felted replicas made of her fur, because I am getting ALL of the the keepsakes, just like any other sane cat-lady.
I think I will go over more intimate details of saying goodbye to Peanut at a later time. but I will say it was so Peaceful. I felt the angels surrounding her before she was even gone. I have made it a point to document the process leading up to her passing on social media. It may seem like a strange thing to do, to share something so horribly sad, but I am in the habit now of sharing some of my hardest and most intimate details online so that others can take comfort in knowing they aren't the only ones to go through this. Here's a link to my Facebook and you can see all of the little video updates. The best way to view this journey though is by looking at my Peanut and Peanut2 stories on my Instagram stories.
If you have mental illness, you are not alone.
If you are depressed or anxious or having daily panic attacks (me too!), you are not alone.
If you just lost a loved one, and are completely devastated already on top of all of this scary covid stuff, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I know that every time humans are under a crisis like this, our special fuzzy critters and pets are also going to be affected. You know how much I care about all animals. So to combat the fear, I am going to help animals the best I can. I know that many animals need homes right now as shelters are cutting down on staff and it's becoming harder to adopt. but there are animals who need homes! What a great time to get a special fuzzy friend and bond together while you are home for these next weeks. Kittens and puppies are easier to train when you are home with them during the crucial first months. Please thing about giving a furry friend a home.
The Dave Ramsey in me also wants us to remain frugal in these times and though adopting a fuzzy baby is tempting right now- remember that they do cost money. Even the "free ones". Please make sure you have enough money to comfortably care for them in case they get sick or injured. You don't want that guilt on your heart if you couldn't afford the care they needed. so maybe fostering is a better idea for some of us. If you call the local shelters, I am sure they will guide you to certain critters who need a temporary home.
Animals are so healing to me. So a lot of my advice right now involves looking to our animal friends. I am putting more bird seed outside and snacks for squirrels and always lots of fresh water for the neighborhood cats and squirrels to drink. I keep a fountain on our front porch that has a water warmer so it doesn't freeze. I woke up this morning to so many paw prints in the snow layer on a our front deck so I know they were lapping up the water and grateful for the drink. I'm always looking for anyway to watching animals and see animals in any capacity. They just bring me so much joy.
What am I doing for my mental health right now? Let me tell you, A LOT. I have already had a couple of therapy sessions via zoom (an app that businesses use to have teleconferences) and I have also had a virtual appointment with my psychiatrist and both know what I am currently going through. It's important I keep them updated. Please reach out to your therapist, or find one! Let them know how you are doing. Find a mental health provider if you can. All of us should really. If you are uninsured or can't afford help, please contact NAMI who works for us nation wide. I'll also share that we decided to take a small break from TTC (trying to conceive). I have decided to take a break from trying for now for one reason: medication. Let's take the stigma out. Ready? Let me tell you that I have needed to take xanax and use my medical marijuana card to help me through this process with Peanut. I am not ashamed to say I need these medications right now. and I realize they are not safe for pregnancy. So for that reason I am going to take the next cycle off. I'm sure not taking hormones for one month may help ease the emotional side effects. but I also need to remember I have PCOS and my hormones are always out of whack anyway.
Let me tell you guys something so super sad but true. I would sometimes wonder, and I KNOW this sounds ridiculous, but I sort of wondered if maybe Peanut was going to somehow know when I get pregnant and then leave. Isn't that ridiculous? but I couldn't help but wonder! Maybe some how I would get knocked-up and Peanut would be like, "ok well they got their baby and I can die happy now!". I'm rolling my eyes at myself. I knew that wasn't going to happen deep down inside. but I was a few days late last week and I was like, "well maybe.....". Sorry for the TMI but woke up on the morning of her euthanasia appt and I got my. fucking. period. No joke. I knew I was going to get it the day I had to bring my cat in to be put down! We make plans, and God laughs right? However, I am so relieved for the chance to take my anxiety meds freely for the time being and look after my own health first.
I have so much more to share you guys. and new ideas and plans. Things that don't involve talking about Peanut. but everything I am doing right now is coming from a place of love for her.
Please email me, message me, call me if you want! and to all of you who have helped us through this hard time! Thank you so very much! We will still need your support but so far we are getting through it. Maybe I will post a blog about how my birthday went because that was honestly the last hooray for my family and close friends. We all went out on the town one last time and even Peanut pepped up for the weekend and was able to say goodbye to my family who visited. What a beautiful weekend it was. God bless Peanut, she just held on long enough. How in the world am I so lucky? So anyway, yea my birthday was fantastic and I think I'll write about all the things we did because I am just missing the ability to go out and play around town right now.
What else do you guys want to hear about? You wanna hear about my new podcast idea? because I've been dying to share that too. We'll all keep in touch, ok? Thank you so much everyone for messaging support and I feel all the love. I feel like I always need to close out with a reminder to support local businesses and here's a link to my etsy store because I'm currently un-able to work as well so every freaking dollar helps, ya'll! I only have a few items on there but there is a still a 10% off sale for my birthday month of March. You are helping me right now by reading this blog! Please feel free to share my blog as well because every new reader helps in the fight to break the stigma. How can I support you?
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| Another stunning photo from my birthday that my Dad took, edited in picsart app |
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| Peanut had a very special cuddle with me on the morning of my birthday. Thank you God for that gift. |
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| everyone, meet Pistachio! Stachi for short! Handsome man! |
I think this is one of your best blogs, albeit one of the saddest. It’s very well-written with a beautiful flow.
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