"If you can't make it (serotonin) yourself, store bought is fine"- I don't know who originally said this or applied it to mental health, but bravo! Because it really is just as simple as that. An ingredient that you can't make yourself, so pick some up at the store...er pharmacy counter. No stigma here!
I want to talk about medications for mental illness today. I've taken many different prescription drugs, and I am going to give my full review for each. I want to defuse the stigma associated with taking medication and in order to do that, many things need to happen. I'll start by creating an open and honest dialogue here on this blog and as always, feel free to join in on the comments below! It took me several months of searching through foggy memories to recall every detail. I hope any of this information helps you!
At one point in my time in college, the price of Concerta, a relatively newer drug at the time, had gone up to a point that I could no longer afford and adderall was introduced as a cheaper alternative. It's done the trick since then! I consider my ADHD treated with my current dose and it hasn't changed in years. It's an absolute godsend and also a drug that's been severely over-used and abused. Buyer beware.
I want to talk about medications for mental illness today. I've taken many different prescription drugs, and I am going to give my full review for each. I want to defuse the stigma associated with taking medication and in order to do that, many things need to happen. I'll start by creating an open and honest dialogue here on this blog and as always, feel free to join in on the comments below! It took me several months of searching through foggy memories to recall every detail. I hope any of this information helps you!
Prozac- The Early Years
I started taking prozac for depression in high school. I often feel like my depression was bad enough for medication in middle school but it's probably best I didn't take any at such a young age. Looking back, I wonder how much was really depression as I know it today, and how much was just hormones messing with me? In all honesty, I still ask myself that same question on a daily basis- is it hormones or depression? So let's just leave it at, "it's both hormones AND depression at the same time, all the time. Always.". The impact of hormones and on one's mental health is astounding and I can't believe we don't talk more about it. For example, PMDD is a real thing that debilitates me during some cycles. Most women get their period, we should talk to our young girls about how it affects our emotions.
I, like many teenagers, often forgot to take my medication, even if I kept the bottle next to my retainer. I, at the time, subscribed to the idea that If I'm feeling better on any certain day, I didn't need to take it (the prozac). I didn't fully understand how it worked and what was best for me. I thought it helped me lose weight (when actually my weight loss at the time was the result of playing sports and a budding eating disorder) so upon telling my friends that I thought it curbed my appetite, I suddenly had friends rollerblading over to my house to pick up some of the magical weight loss pills. As if giving anybody a couple of prozac pills would help anyone in any way, especially with weight gain or loss.
That's just the point here, is that SSRIs, like prozac, have been known to cause suicidal ideation in teens. I'm not a scientist and won't try to fully explain all the reasons how or why this happens. but something to do with it, is consistent dosing. Forgetting to take any of your medication is a problem all of us have encountered, I think a time or two. Like those last couple of antibiotics! but seriously, forgetting doses is extremely dangerous as side effects are different for everyone. We'll find out what some of those side effects are later. Please remember always to take your full dose of medication every single day. I still meet adults who tell me how they aren't good at taking their meds. Like, are you kidding me?! Give yourselves a chance!
I went off prozac upon turning 18 and leaving my mom's house, and my health insurance. Earning it back a couple years later, through an expensive deal with my father's insurance (thanks Dad!), and was able to go back on it at 19 years old along with a medication for my severe ADHD. The absence of a poorly taken medication was not noticed in my life. However, I was developing un-healthy ways to deal with my depression and anxiety, so continuing the medication may have helped me to stay away from those un-healthy habits.
I went off prozac upon turning 18 and leaving my mom's house, and my health insurance. Earning it back a couple years later, through an expensive deal with my father's insurance (thanks Dad!), and was able to go back on it at 19 years old along with a medication for my severe ADHD. The absence of a poorly taken medication was not noticed in my life. However, I was developing un-healthy ways to deal with my depression and anxiety, so continuing the medication may have helped me to stay away from those un-healthy habits.
Concerta- My ADHD Antidote
Upon going back on prozac, my psychiatrist encouraged me to go through the rigorous ADD/ADHD testing that I had already gone through as a minor under the age 18, and the results were a resounding yes, so I took the time to go through all of the testing again. Things had changed since I graduated High School. I was no longer complacent about grades and had to work in between classes to pay my rent. Being able to pay attention was now something that costs me money. and I realized more than ever that I LOVE to learn. I decided to embrace the results of my testing, once again showing I had severe ADHD, and made the choice to be medicated.
Concerta helped immensely. This is a stimulate based medication and although I was hyperactive, it worked, because that's how this science of these medications works. It's supposed to get you just over the hump of over-stimulation and back into the safe arms of stability and with a confidant calm to boot.
I Put The ADD in Adderall
I Put The ADD in Adderall
At one point in my time in college, the price of Concerta, a relatively newer drug at the time, had gone up to a point that I could no longer afford and adderall was introduced as a cheaper alternative. It's done the trick since then! I consider my ADHD treated with my current dose and it hasn't changed in years. It's an absolute godsend and also a drug that's been severely over-used and abused. Buyer beware.
Paxil- The Party Girl
When I first started taking this, I was experiencing depression and severe panic. Paxil helps with depression and anxiety and when it works, it works. Paxil was so so good for me for 7 fantastic years. I call it the party girl drug because it gave me the confidence I always wanted in my teens but got it in my twenties. In fact, I remember visiting an ex-boyfriend from high school when we were 20 or so. I asked him how he'd been and he said really good because he has been taking paxil, and I remember him saying that it just feels like your floating and don't have a care. Too be honest, I wonder if maybe paxil maybe made me almost manic at times. Paxil was my road dog until the year 2015 when everything came crashing down. If you know me, you know how rough that time was for me.
So, ok, let me tell you what happened. I had just landed a new and fun job promotion and was doing great with work and life. Eddie and I had just announced we were going to get married. but something felt...off...I suddenly started gaining weight randomly and couldn't stay awake. I needed to sleep all the time. If I wasn't at work, I was sleeping and no matter what I ate or how exercised helped. I was not recognizing myself anymore. I started to avoid mirrors and window reflections. I lost all of my friends, my job and my bridesmaids with only 3 months until our wedding. All happening within the same couple months. Obviously there are other things that impacted this time in my life, but the most damaging part was that paxil had stopped working. It just quit. I had NO. FUCKING. CLUE. No idea whatsoever that paxil, and other medications like it, will stop working eventually and that it's actually normal for these types of SSRIs to "poop out". No one ever told me that! I was a ticking time bomb. I was broken and damaged. My whole life was like a totaled car in a violent wreck. Then I had to taper down my meds even though they weren't even working anymore.
Yes, you read that right. I had to taper down a drug that wasn't working. and the withdrawals were fucking terrible. I'm sorry for anyone taking offence to my cursing but honestly, I'm being very blunt, it was hell on earth. I was constantly weak, shaking, dizzy, nauseous and hallucinating. I had to research unemployment, accept that my friends no longer associated with me, and plan a wedding while experiencing horrible withdrawals. I had to taper down 1 sole milligram every 2 weeks. That's how slowly I had to taper. I couldn't handle tapering down more than that at a time. slowly. I eventually had to a get a dropper of the stuff. Each notch down was just as awful as the last. It never got better. My brain didn't stop zapping until I had been completely free from it for a year. I thought I was brain damaged. and honestly, I think I may have damaged something because things just were not right. I had no clue that I was a ticking time bomb. I wish I would've known.
If I can teach you one thing, just one thing to take away about all of the psychiatric drugs, it's this: please, ask your doctor what the process is for getting off of a medication before you start on it. When I started sharing my story about my paxil and the horror story that was coming off of it, I realized there were others like me. We share a same rare hell. Here are some links: detox, NCBI info If you are on any medications now and don't know what the process is like, please research and ask your doctors so that you can plan accordingly. It might not be this bad for everyone, but when it does happen, it stops your whole life.
Topamax- dead head
So....I went on topamax during what I refer to as my "government cocktail" years. Basically 2009-2015. Before I married Eddie but while I was living in California. I spent many days driving around and filling out paper work in order to get sliding scale/free medical care through San Mateo county. I turned my psychiatric care over to the county after moving away from Michigan. I loved my primary care doctor but the mental health care options were deplorable. They only had access to certain "cheap" medications. The side effects of these meds would cause them to put me on more medications to curb those, and the cycle continued. I was on 12 MEDICATIONS. 12!!! My brain was frying and I wasn't even 30 years old yet. What a joke.
Topamax is known to cause severe mental distortion. It's referred to as "dopamax" by those of us inhibited by the drug. I would forget words so much that I couldn't even have normal conversations. The scariest episode with topamax was when I was driving on a major busy freeway near SFO to work and while I navigated rush hour, I kept finding myself surprised that I was driving. It's hard to explain but I felt like every couple minutes I would forget- and then shockingly remember- that I'm driving and freak out. Imagine forgetting your driving a car going 65 mph with sudden stops and 6-7 lanes of traffic. So terrifying. I can't believe I made it to work safely that day. Or any of those days.
Now imagine your taking topamax and your brain is deteriorating and the drug is for a side affect of another drug! You guys, I didn't even have to be taking this stuff and I was taking it anyway. Blindly doing every single thing that the doctors told me to do without a second thought. Please don't be like me. Ask questions about your medications.
Wellbutrin- the anti-smoking wonder drug
People all over the country take this to help with tobacco cessation. I didn't take it to quit smoking though. Wellbutrin was another member of the government cocktail phase. They told me this would treat my depression and ADHD. It absolutely did no such thing. I did give it several months. That's another important tip people, it takes many medications to come to their full effect at least 6 weeks. Please be patient with yourself. Monitor symptoms. This medication may be a great fit for you! Everyone is different.
Lexapro- the pregnancy depression drug
It's as described people! This stuff does the trick for my depression these days. Nothing will ever be as good as paxil was in it's hey-day but this one is "pregnancy and breastfeeding safe". I'm putting that in quotes because who really knows everything about drug affects on our unborn children? but so far this has been deemed as safe. Only side effect I know of was an irritable newborn which was reported to me by my current psychiatrist who just had twins while on it. I don't think lexapro would've worked as well if I didn't exercise/lose weight/get out of the house and eat healthy while taking it. Obviously doing those things helps most mental illness but sometimes we're not able to do all of things due to various factors. I get it. The very least you can ever do for your mental illness, is take prescribed medication and go to therapy. Talking to your doctor about your mental health is the first step towards getting better. Lexapro's side effects include dry mouth and stomach upset- which, I mean- that's pretty much my life right there. Cotton mouth and tummy aches. Same old, same old.
xanax & ativan: the devil
I call these types of drugs "the devil" because they WORK! They work REALLY well. but, they are horrible for you. I have prescribed xanax and ativan since my mid-twenties and yes, it does the trick and helps me live through back-to-back panic attacks. and they are wonderful for insomnia. but please, take them carefully. Try not to ever up your dose unless you absolutely have to. During one of my horrible ear infections, I was taking pain killers and xanax at the same time and when I went to stop taking everything, I had severe withdrawals because I didn't realize the pain killers were the same type of drug that xanax is. I had to hide under the covers of our bed for a few days. Why oh why do the drugs that work and help us get through our day are so bad for us?
A medication to help sleep and depression? Trazadone! This medication had very few side-effects and helped me immensely for several years when I needed it. You just have to get through the stuffy nose part. It works just as good as ambien but without the hallucinations.
I can't believe it's taken me several months to write this blog but I had to do a lot of thinking and reading through old diaries- etc. As I've stated again and again- I think we should talk openly about our mental health AND what we're doing to help- such as taking medication. That's why I share my very private experiences with the world; so that I can finally make mental illness #stigmafree
Comments
Post a Comment