Hello! Today is Wednesday, April 15 and I'm on day 15 out of 30 days of blogging during my quarantine from home during the coronavirus pandemic.
Today will have to make up for yesterday. It finally happened. I was too depressed to write. I already had one day sort of like that but at least I opened my laptop to say as much and just do a short entry (which is not good for revenue but I like to show up for myself). I figured this would happen but then again, I hadn't had a true depression relapse in so long. I thought maybe I was completely above this, but I have to accept that it has happened and I am trying to move on. and It's not like its over completely, just noticeably less annoying after I get like 12 hours of sleep. That's honestly what it takes when I'm this depressed. So not even my normal 10 hours of sleep helps as well. Exercise helps, but it doesn't make it go away. Same for meditation, healthy food, therapy and meds. All that stuff is fine and good but when I really need to bite the depression in it's ass, I know I need a lot of sleep. If any of you have this same situation, and you are being criticized for needing that much sleep, tell them that no one knows you like yourself and that's what you need. I've never had anyone criticized me for the amount of sleep I get but I also know how people can be. I remember getting so much shit for how much I like to sleep in the past and if I knew then what I know now, I'd tell them that it helps my depression and anxiety immensely. It's times like this where I realize how important sleep is to my mental health, I wonder if having a baby is the right idea for me? As far as I can tell, having even one child means you don't sleep well for 18 years. Especially the first couple of years. Those of you who have children, how did you deal with sleep loss and mental illness?
I remembering my dreams from this morning. I do the most dreaming and rem sleep in the morning hours. If I sleep much past 8:30am, I will have many vivid dreams. This fact has been backed up by the info my fitbit gives me when it analyzes my sleep. I find dreams fascinating and while studying psychology in college, I asked any professor who would be willing to take a few minutes to talk to me, to tell me their thoughts on dreams and dream analysis. and maybe because I'm an empath, people in my life have always come to me to tell me about their dreams. Whether it's best friends or co-workers, I've found joy in helping others talk about what their dreams mean. So instead of talking about my awful day of depression yesterday, let's analyze my dreams! Here's what I remember in it's entirety:
I was with a large congregation of people getting ready for a fancy party held at a hotel. I believe the rest of the crowd was some family members and many acquaintances and strangers. It was a high-roller type event. Expensive dresses and hair and makeup people everywhere. In my dream, my dress was the one I wore to my latest birthday party, which had a very 1920's theme. (IRL that dress wasn't expensive at all lol) I hadn't gotten dressed yet, or put on my makeup so I knew I had to go back to my suite to get ready. Before I did though, I gave this couple I knew (a man and woman) some sort of potion or blessing in order for them to try and conceive. If that isn't weird enough for you, wait till you hear what my subconscious labeled these people as! The female was youtuber Trisha Paytas and the male was an ex-boyfriend of mine from when I was approx 18 years old. The man/ex-bf person was wearing a genie type outfit and the woman/trisha character was wearing a dress and shawl. Before I went back to my room to get ready, I had to check up on them for something and they were already done trying to conceive and they also somehow found out that they were already pregnant! I was shook. I become furious because, even though I was trying to help them conceive, I didn't expect them to make it on the first try! I was yelling at them for thinking it happened so quickly but then I saw the test results and knew it to be true. Well, what does a girl who helped her friends get pregnant in dream do next? I went back to my room to get ready for this party. I was alone in my room, no husband or friends to help me get ready and I was spinning. As in dizzy and discombobulated. I couldn't figure out how to turn the lights on, which is really important when trying to put your face on. and I kept thinking I was ready to go out the door only to realize I still hadn't done my hair or makeup. I kept filling the tub in the room with different bath bombs and lavender scented things...even though I wasn't taking a bath. I apparently did it because it made the room smell good. Throw in some weird elevator sequences and seeing a swimming pool, that was the gist of my dream.
So, what does it all mean? I think the group of people I was with, being made up of family and acquaintances, but the fact that hotel room was just for me, means I'm acknowledging a recent event where we got together (like my birthday) and how now I'm spending my days alone now but getting ready to see them again and it's taking longer than I thought. I think the fact that it was a fancy party and meant we all had a decent amount of money, shows me that even though at the moment we are financially stable, it won't help us get what we are looking for in life. I think the part of couple trying to conceive is pretty obvious, as that's what Eddie and I have been doing for about a year. I think reacting to the couple's news of getting pregnant probably represents my real feelings towards that. Again, me not being able to figure out how to turn the lights on to do my make up and constantly realizing I still have to get ready, I think represents this process before we re-join the world is taking longer and longer. I'm left reflecting on how much I hated the process of putting makeup on and how in real life, I think I enjoy it, but maybe it's not that important right now. Do you have any vivid dreams to tell me about? Please spill!
An update on Bean: she is getting pretty used to me, for the most part. She's very skittish (we sometimes call her skittles) and the quieter we are, the closer she is comfortable to coming to us. She's got a good appetite and impeccable bathing and litter box skills. She's got a really goofy wide-eyed personality and makes a lot of squeaky little 'mews' to communicate to us. She's got a cute litter under-bite and you can often see the tip of her tongue poking out. She sleeps with me for the most of the night and purrs loudly when she snuggles. She's having a harder time getting used to Eddie. She runs from both of us if we are walking with any purpose, but she seems to be mostly startled by Eddie. That breaks my heart because he is so gentle and loving. I know she'll come around. We will give her all the time in the world. For now, Eddie has been the one to give her meals so she can see him being the one to feed her, she still loves to have playtime with Eddie so that's a good sign and they'll keep having play times. He talks in a gentle voice when approaching her and all that good stuff. Do you have any pets that seem to have fear of males or females? How did you cope?
Thanks so much for reading today! I hope you are all hanging in there. I think I will talk about how my behavior yesterday played into my depression but on another day. I'm still trying very hard to stay on top of this. I'll see you back here tomorrow!
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