We've all been waiting for everything to "open back up" since the Covid-19 pandemic hit. We watched in horror as thousands died, lost their jobs, social lives, opportunities to get an education outside the home; basically all of the good things that make life in modern day America bearable. As front line employees dove in and saved lives and gave us food to eat, we all discussed how we couldn't wait for life to go back to normal. Is that normalcy even a thing anymore? Does it still exist? I want to talk about what happened to me and my town when it was announced that we would open back up. Spoiler alert: I wasn't as relieved or excited as I thought I would be.
Disclaimer: I'm not trying to get political here my friends. My opinions on these matters flip-flop back and fourth on a daily basis. I am intelligent enough to know that some of these statements are based in fear and/or anger. Because this is a personal blog, I'm going to leave it all open wide for us to discuss.
Let me set the scene for you. I live in an idyllic, great lakes tourist destination city in Northern Michigan. There's beaches, national parks and forests, camp grounds, historic landmarks and lots and lots of unique and award winning restaurants, bars, vineyards and breweries. Many Michiganders flock here every year for festivals or just to visit their vacation homes and cottages. Thousands descend on our city every year, all year around, but especially summer time. Before I lived here, I was a "fudgie" myself and went to Traverse City's yearly Cherry Festival. A major part of the city's infrastructure and business's income rely on tourism and the tourists come every year, from all over the world, and happily spend their money on our local amenities. The natural beauty is what I love most and a major reason why we moved here.
Upon our arrival here from San Francisco last spring, I knew I needed a way to get out of the house, interact with the community and make a couple extra bucks to supplement my blog and etsy store. My husband works at the cute little funeral home downtown and we are lucky to have access to free parking through his job. My interest was peaked when a small, locally owned shop that sells art and other goods handmade by local artists, was hiring. I could work a few shifts a week, help with social media and meet other artists and creatives like myself. Working there gave me a quaint and cozy feeling that I enjoyed through out the slow season and into the month of March. I was ready to witness, and partake, in summer-time's crazy busy season and meet more people from all over the world. Actually, I've met quite a few people who are moving here from California just like my husband and I and summer hadn't even arrived yet! but then Covid-19 happened and you know the rest. We we're closed to everyone, and then closed some more, and then finally curb-side started up and our city's businesses adapted as best they could. I was thriving in my quarantine life but knew I would enjoy coming back to work eventually. I planned to be involved in the slow and safe integration that would start on the 28th of May.
My world was rocked when on Monday, May 18, the governor announced that all of the upper peninsula and one region in the lower peninsula, were allowed to do a soft re-opening for Memorial Day weekend. That one and only lone city on this side of the Mackinac that was allowed to open for business? Traverse City. My city. I felt horrified as I realized everyone now had less than 4 days to reopen and come back to work for one of the busiest weekends of the year. The upper peninsula of Michigan is beautiful and well worth the travel. but if I know anything about Michiganders, and I know a little, the Traverse City area was going to be a top pick for travelers over the U.P. The city went through a somersault of emotion as we all prepared to welcome the masses. Restaurants were getting phone calls to make reservations for 20 or more people, and were asked to accommodate for late arrivals due to those flying in. Hotels booked up immediately. I thought maybe most people would still be content with hanging out in their own towns and us locals could enjoy the restaurants and stores that were participating and open at 50% capacity. but the pulse on social media and the news didn't paint a calm and safe picture. They were coming in droves. Many out-of-towners are already here, but more will arrive. While it's awesome we can welcome everyone back after an awful event like the covid-19 pandemic, the truth is, the pandemic is not over.
My boss excitedly called me to get going on a schedule for our opening and I happily obliged. I felt like this would be a an adventure and a part of history I got to be a part of. but then fear stepped in. and what goes hand-in-hand with fear? Anger! I was angry that my previous life was no longer possible. I was angry and scared about how I would work with new protocols, such as social distancing, mask wearing, and constant sanitation of every single thing touched, while simultaneously putting on a happy and welcoming attitude and helping people pick out fun and frivolous purchases. I was angry, and still angry, that we only a had a few days to prepare. Either way, I opened my tool box and began to try to work through these feelings so I could show up on Friday as a functioning employee and representative of the brand I work for and the city itself.
You ever hear the phrase, "you are one work-out away from being happy?". That's never been true for me. I have been known to cry and grunt and scream through my work-outs so I can get it done. Yes, I feel good about losing weight and toning up but working out every day has never solved my mental health problems. but I keep trying. The month of April was blissful for me but May brought flowers of anxiety blooming in my chest. I have always had to deal with anxiety and panic, but never in my life have I felt the abrasive, sandpaper-like anxiety that has been rubbing me inside and out the last couple weeks. I feel rubbed raw. I feel the same panic and dread after long walks, hours of cardio and strength training, yoga and even meditation. I could not get it to budge. I tried to ask my boss to reassure me and not even she could help. and bless her, she tried hard. I'm so lucky to have an employer that gives a damn. Anyway, It all came to a miserable point on Wednesday night. I had a nervous breakdown. It was terrifying. I said things that I haven't felt in years. I was telling my husband I felt like a loser and a drain on our finances because I couldn't work a simple fu**ing part-time job like an adult. I told him I felt he deserved a wife who could manage it all. These are deep and dark thoughts and feelings that are reminiscent of my first year of marriage when I struggled with my severe depression that kept me from working and contributing to household bills (this was also before I got my blog going which gave me more confidence). He looked astonished and shocked that I was saying these awful things about myself and honestly I was pretty shocked and scared myself. I started to hyperventilate and I was shaking. Ringing my hands so hard that were becoming raw. My heart felt like a hot balloon bursting in my chest. My extremities became numb and I was dizzy and my vision was blacking out around the edges. I was scream crying. "I can't work! I can't work! OMG I! CAN'T! WORK!". I thought I was dying. I really felt like I was going to die. I had to take a xanax which knocked me out and I was able to finally escape my awful reality by sleeping. Sleep is my only relief.
I had 2 therapy appointments this week and even had an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist to up my anti-depressant dosage. (that won't start taking effect for another couple weeks though) I wrote in my journal. I made and sent some birthday cards. I went for walks. I avoided the news. I ate healthy. I drank tons of water. I did self care masks and skin care. I did breathing exercises. I talked to my family. My panic, terror, fear and dread would not budge. I had to call it off. I could not be a apart of this grand reopening weekend. My anxiety won. I'm furious about it. How, with all of the hard work I do to stay on top of it, was anxiety still making decisions for me? I'm so stressed and exhausted that I scared away my menstrual cycle! and let's not bring up fertility on top of everything else.
On top of all of the shit-sundae was a tart and rotten cherry; our neighbor called the city and said the trees between her house and ours were rubbing against the power lines and arching. They weren't. She told us she was going to call the city and lie to them and tell them so that they come trim the branches. Whatever, I thought, whatever works for her. That's weird to lie about, though. Well, without warning, the city/power company came and cut down ALL of the trees, bushes and plants that sit between our houses. They cut them all down to the stump and left the stumps. There was nothing I could do. I stood there crying while the workers must've thought I was out of my mind, and I am out of my mind, but this was over the top and unnecessary. Now there's no more privacy next to our bedroom windows. but that's not what hurt the most. This small area was a refuge for birds and woodland creatures and where Peanut once looked out onto and talked to critters and where Bean, our new kitty, now likes to look out onto. It's all gone. They took it all. This spot was to be a memorial sight for Peanut with a small bench, wind chime and solar lights. Now it's a bunch of stumps and dirt. I know this is super trivial in the scheme of things, but dammit. Dammit!
When our comfort is taken from us, over and over and over again, it can cause fear and anxiety to flare. Unfortunately, there's no happy ending to this scenario. Not yet. I like to tie things up with bow for my readers so that they can see with some hard work they can get through life successfully with mental illness. Here it is, this shitty situation, wide open and unresolved. but that's real life. I still thank God for all of the good things. There are so many wonderful and amazing things I have and my life is wonderful. but even with a wonderful and comfy life, anxiety and panic disorder don't stop becoming any less of a cheese-grater on my being.
I sincerely hope to follow up this blog post with an update about how everything this weekend turned out fine. No one brought covid to our town and I was able to work a simple job that brings me joy and get on with my life. I so badly want to rock a positive attitude and stop reacting in fear. but, the important thing is that I'm trying my best. I'm exercising everyday, continuing to lose weight, meditating daily, taking care of my home and pets and writing this blog to you all. I'm also still religiously working with therapist weekly and always, always, always taking my pills. We're these coping skills and tools enough to get me back into the real world this weekend? No. Not yet. but I'm positive it will and I need patience with myself.
Thank you so much, every one of you for reading through all of this and those of you who always message me after each blog to tell me they are going through it as well and reaching out in solidarity, you freaking rock! Keep going! Let's do this!
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