Hello my friends! Just wanted to check-in during this Memorial Day weekend. I received countless messages on social media and text messages after publishing my last post about my fear of going back to work. Thank you so much all of you. I know I can't be the only person in the predicament. If you know someone else who is struggling with the same issues, please feel free to pass on my blog to them so that they know they aren't alone. I think everyone is probably feeling anxious and excited about things reopening. I'll break down my weekend for you thus far so you can see how I'm dealing with stuff.
After talking to my boss on Thursday about my decision not to return this holiday weekend, I have to admit that yes, I felt a little better. Not entirely soothed as I know I will return next week, if able, and the town will most likely continue to fill up with tourists on the weekends. but I HAVE to return to work of some type as staying home everyday is destroying my mental health. Anyway, that little relief I did feel allowed me to continue Thursday and Friday as usual. I got my workouts done (so many planks and mountain climbers! lots of hard work!), I started my increased dose of lexapro, and continued my neighborhood walks with my husband. Friday night, I had to pick up my new prescription at our CVS pharmacy, which also happens to be inside a Target store. Eddie reported that the streets were packed with traffic from all of our tourists arriving and we figured the stores would be jam packed. Usually, that would be a good time to NOT go to the stores if you are trying to be safe, however, since I'm planning to return to a job that has me interacting with crowds of tourists, I knew I had to rip off the band aid. I mean, I've been going to the grocery stores, pharmacies and home depot/lowe's throughout this thing, and I was for the most part fine. Only some panic. but I figured Target would be swarming. It wasn't though! The parking lot was full but the store itself was no busier than usual. In and out in a jiff. but Eddie was right, traffic was very heavy.
On Saturday, we started our day with Eddie's amazing sprinkle pancakes. We donned our summer clothes and SPF and stepped outside to start surveying the damage done with the city to our side yard when a huge mortar firework went off. Oh. My. God. It was so loud that it echoed like thunder. We have neighbors that set off fireworks occasionally all year round. Sort of annoying as they are startling, but its whatever. but the huge booms yesterday felt extremely illegal. We walked casually around our neighborhood, watching the police zip around trying to find the culprit. (side bar: we did learn that fireworks here are legal for 12 daytime hours Saturday and Sunday of memorial day weekend. However, as I said, these explosives we heard seemed extremely illegal. I can't say that for sure though. I wish people would check around with their neighbors to make sure no one is veteran with PTSD before hand, especially since yah know, Memorial Day is all about veterans in the first place.) I thought after the police presence that would be the last time someone blew up something that big, but you'll find out that I'm wrong.
Upon our walk around the 'hood, we ooh'd and aah'd at all the flowers, landscaping and gardening projects. Lots of people with existing chicken coops or building chicken coops. Lots of pergolas with snaking grape vines. and the chipmunks were out in full force! We stopped and talked to a family of 4 chipmunks a couple blocks away, as they were hanging out on someone's front porch stoop. I love how everyone smiles and waves at each other. The perfect small town life suits us so well. In San Francisco, we never talked to our neighbors. and strangers never waved friendly hellos. I was reminded of my hometown, Grand Haven which is "Coast Guard City USA", as I watched the coast guard helicopter twirl around the sky.
We got a huge grocery delivery and helped our driver bring them in, yelling our a congratulations to one of our neighbors sitting outside, enjoying a picnic with their newborn baby (and no I don't think these are the same neighbors that set up mortar fireworks, nor are they they the neighbors who told the city that the power lines were "arching". just to clarify the neighborhood gossip for you).
After unpacking groceries, we grilled chicken and asparagus outside on the grill. Rain had previously been forecast for the entire weekend but I've only felt a few drops here and there. After a late lunch we thought it'd be good to go for a drive and stop at some places that sell outdoor furniture and also a nursery to find some good plants for our new naked side yard. We felt a pergola/swing would be perfect for the spot next to Peanut's memorial. We plan to put more lilac bushes there as well.
During our short outing, Eddie and I decided a quick drive through downtown was important to see with our own eyes how busy it really is. We're there really hundreds of people in town? The answer is yes. Every single hotel we passed on Miracle Mile (a local stretch of road on the bay that's lined with resorts and hotels with beach front property), was packed in each parking lot. Then I started looking at the vacancy signs. Every. Single. One. No Vacancy. Wow! Back to normal! Then, we took the turn on to our main downtown stretch on Front Street, and it was startling. Hundreds and hundreds of people! Everyone looked happy and that made me feel good to see everyone having fun. but my happiness quickly turned to anxiety. Only about 20% of the crowds we saw we're wearing masks. and there was absolutely no social distancing. So, kinda against the rules but I figured it would happen. The anxiety I felt while driving through was immediately physical. My stomach turned into a pit and I felt woozy. I wanted to slip down onto the floor of our van and duck and hide. I think most of these people will probably be fine and hopeful we don't see a spike in covid after this, but seeing the crowds was still jarring. Friends, I can't tell you how nervous I am about the fact that crowds now scare me. I've never been that way! I wonder if I'll always be anxious about crowds now? I guess we will see.
So yeah, downtown is packed and I'm so relieved for all of our hardworking store and restaurant owners who are getting some financial relief! and I'm so happy to be living in a beautiful place where people can come and make their first memories together after our country's lock down. I feel over all positive about it. I really do. but this visceral reaction of panic I get? Doesn't jive with my positive attitude. I feel terrified inside.
Unfortunately, despite witnessing merriment abound, the feeling of dread followed me home. We only live a short mile from the main downtown drag but it's still far enough away to feel like a crowd of drunk people isn't going to stumble into our yard from the bars. We made a fire and sat outside for several hours and talked until dusk began. We talked about many things, but mostly we talked though my anxiety lately and how it compares to the past and what we can do for the future. I no longer can ignore that panic and dread have taken a front seat in my mental health. Severe, crippling depression that had me bed-bound seems far away in the past. This is my new normal. A rubbed raw nervous system, clawing at my heart, lungs and chest. Punches to my throat and gut. Clenching my jaw and holding my breath. My panic disorder hasn't been this bad in over a decade. I'm reminded of the summer of 2008, when I racked up thousands of dollars in medical debt because my panic attacks made me so convinced that I was dying, that I couldn't stay away from the emergency rooms and constant ECG tests and halter monitors. Granted, I'm not going to the ER but on a daily basis I've had to convince myself I'm not dying. Sounds crazy but all day everyday, a thought keeps popping into my head, "am I going to die from all of this anxiety? Is this stress going to put me in a early grave?". You guys, it's terrifying. but It's my new normal.
Back to the lovely evening Eddie and I were having, and our fireside chat, the huge mortar rounds started up again. and it jarred me. I had to take a xanax. It's a sign of the times when I have to take a xanax while enjoying a lovely fire in our own back yard on a beautiful Saturday. As the sun set, we began to see the actual lights and colors from these fireworks and it didn't seem as bad. but we did come inside eventually to sit in our cozy house and watch a good war movie (12 Strong and it was so good!) and then had a good night of sleep.
I am continuing to do everything I can to feel better and I hope that going back to work will help me feel more like myself again. Anyone else feeling any of these things? I hope everyone is doing well! and If you are struggling like me, please feel free to talk to me about it. I'd really love to know I'm not alone.
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