I've missed you guys! I thought I'd be so happy for my blog'antine to be over. I really do miss writing to you everyday. I miss the camaraderie of the blog posts and comments and messages I get from you guys. So with out a major topic I write to you again about the goings on in my life.
Today is May the Fourth! (as in May the Fourth/Force be with you. It's a Star Wars holiday of sorts, or Star Wars day) Although Star Wars lives in my heart, (read special blog about my love of Star Wars here ) I'm more than a little disappointed that I'm not spending it at Galaxy's Edge today in Disneyland like I was supposed to. Let's see, it's 10am-ish here, so that means in about 3 hours we were supposed to be landing at LAX and taking an uber to check in to our hotel. We had reservations at Disney's Paradise Pier hotel for 3 nights. We were to check-in, freshen up, and head out to the best place to be on May the Fourth, Star Wars Land! aka Galaxy's Edge! I would've donned my special fuzzy Chewbacca ears and tracked down the wookie and gave him the biggest hug. I live for Chewy hugs. We had dinner reservations for tonight at Oga's Cantina, which is a notoriously hard place to get into! I managed to make a reservation for breakfast there tomorrow morning as well. Then tomorrow afternoon I was going to make my very first lightsaber at Savi's Workshop. On top of all this Star Wars awesomeness, I was going to be able to enjoy the rest of Disneyland and California Adventures for 3 days straight. *sigh*
So yea. I'm disappointed. but I'm keeping my privilege in check and realizing how awesome it is that I get to do this stuff at all. and We are most certainly going to be there next May the Fourth, perhaps with masks on, but we'll be there! I decided it would be best to re-book for next May, instead of squeezing in a trip at the end of the year. That gives, hopefully, plenty of time for Disney to figure out how they're going to run things during/after a major pandemic.
As a side bar, let's talk about face masks. Again haha. So, I have one handmade mask and I haven't washed it yet. I've worn it for probably 2 hours altogether in the last couple weeks. Even wearing it for 15 minutes in the store or pharmacy has me breaking out near my mouth and jawline. The worst! I need to order some more so that can I wash them (I think there's a limit on how many times you can wash them before they become useless.). I'm seeing tons of masks for sale online. I'm talking about the kind made of fabric for civilians. Not PPE for healthcare workers. Have you bought any handmade masks online? Where from? I need the kind that have straps that tie in the back because every mask I've tried on that loops behind the ears is too big on me. I have a heart-shaped face with smaller features so that must be why everything is too big on me. I can't wear ear-buds either because they don't stay in and hurt like a mother. So please, show me your masks people! I'd love some gingham ones for spring/summer and like I said before, some floral. I guess I'm a princess that has particular mask needs. I think there's also a thing you can get to help keep the pressure off of your ears? I feel like I'm shopping for headgear for my braces or something!
Now, I want to talk about something a little more serious. I want to be always truthful and candid with you guys. I know I just wrote everyday for a month straight and maybe I didn't make it clear about how much depression and anxiety I'm having because I was trying to keep it positive. However, my goal is to be transparent and I gotta tell yeah how hard it's been. This past weekend was especially hard. I want to tell the world that yes, you can be doing every single thing possible to keep your mental health in check, but those of us with mental illness know that there is no cure and depression can and usually will come back. Don't let anyone tell you there's a magic pill, there's no amount of exercise or supplements or therapy that can stop severe depression. There's just improvements on how you deal with it. I'm doing better than ever but depression comes back when you least expect it. I still get it. If you would've told me everything I'm doing for myself now a couple year ago, I would've thought, "Gee. If I'm able to do all that stuff then surely I must've cured my depression for good!". but that's not the case. I'm not saying this to be negative. but to remind all of you stuck at home and stuck inside their own minds with their demons, that when mental illness get's you down no matter how fast you've been running from it, you should always be prepared for it's return. Don't be in denial. Sit with it a bit and try to get a feel for how long it will last and what you can do. and then do it!
Eddie came home to me yesterday, tears pouring down my face and damp crushed tissues everywhere around the couch. I was watching Pixar's Up on Disney+ and even with a little giggle here and there, I was absolutely devastatingly sad. Just so profoundly sad. I always have to fight the voice in my head that asks what the fu-- is wrong with me?! It's not me, it's depression. but with Eddie's encouragement, I took a shower and we continued our day. Together. It's hard to keep going when you feel that sad. but after sitting with it and acknowledging it, doing other activities to distract myself gets a little easier.
I'm still suffering from my mental illness like I have all my life, only difference is all the coping skills I've learned. I've learned to go through my days of horrible depression and anxiety without laying in bed. I exercise, I cry. I meditate and cry some more. Honestly? I think crying more than usual at home is something many of us, with and without mental illness, is dealing with presently. So bottom line is, you're not alone. I'm here with you. Please always reach out to me in any way shape or form. Thanks for reading and talk to you soon! May the force be with you, always.
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