Happy Friday Ghosts and Ghouls! Welcome back to my hallo-blog. I've got a lot on my mind today. Mostly things I can share, some I can't. So let's dive right in.
Yesterday's post I talked about the allergic reaction I am having to the antibiotics that a dermatologist put me on for my severe cystic acne which has flared up do to facemask wearing. All this facial drama is added to the fact that I was hospitalized not even a month ago due to another medication I was put on for cystic acne. Today things are clearing up on my face. I'm in the peeling phase. but the rash on my neck is worse and feels scaley or waxy. I don't know how else to explain it. Also my throat feels kinda itchy and scratchy and my stomach is making noises that I've never heard before. The doc assured me that this is part of the allergy to the meds.
My energy is still pretty low. I can't imagine dealing with the onslaught of tourists this weekend while a mask chafes on my irritated and cracked skin. It's true that this fall season has been even busier than summer up here this year. All of the hotels up here are at capacity and people visiting are having a hard time finding places to eat because the waits are long due to staff shortages and limited capacity. It takes so much energy to deal with them all as they pour in and some aren't wearing masks or forgot theirs or are pulling them down and on top of that there's no way to limit the amount of people coming in as the flow of crowds just keep coming. I was hoping it would start slowing down but it's doing the exact opposite. Absolutely crazy times.
I'm not even sure why I am talking about this since this isn't what I intended to write about today. I guess it's just on my mind. A lot. Like too much. I'm in the safety and comfort of my home yet I'm worrying about the crowds of people downtown. I need to find better ways to disconnect myself from the outside noise so that I can get some rest.
I think I'm ready to talk about what else happened last week that has affected me deeply. As most of you know, I've been on the winding road of fertility treatments. I was caught by surprise when for the first time in over a year, my monthly cycle was late. I hoped and wished and prayed and waited and at 7 days I could wait no more and took a few pregnancy tests. 2 were negative and 1 was inconclusive. I called my OBGYN office and that's when they told me there was nothing they could do for me. I thought they would at least want to take a test in the office or do a scan for any abnormal cysts. They just asked me to call back and let them know if I wanted to continue my fertility treatments again. (Eddie and I stopped doing our monthly treatments when the pandemic hit in March) I kinda thought they would happily take my $30 co-pay and however much money it would cost to do a test in office so I knew for sure. That wasn't the case. I just felt a little miffed. That is what this post of my blog was all about. I felt like either way, it was strange that the cycle was so late and I began to feel the sick to stomach sensations that come along with an abnormal cycle.
Then on day 9 I got my period and I felt so foolish for even daring to dream that it could be a pregnancy. How had I let myself fall into that trap of illusion again? I thought I had learned this lesson? Times running out and I already feel so far behind. Will we be starting this process so late in our lives or will I just need to decide that I can move on child free forever? There is no right or wrong answer. I can't just think of it in black and white. Every single month I have no idea what the future will bring until I get my cycle again and start the madness all over again. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted and with all of the other issues on top of that, I am just so frustrated. I spent all day yesterday feeling very sorry for myself and watching the rain come down all day. It was sadly beautiful. Bean played a nurse to my sorrows and didn't leave my side. She's learned so quickly what kind of healing I need.
I just feel so helpless right now. I need to change that outlook. Today will be a more active day and I need to do things around the house and move my body despite the painful skin on my body because it's just skin and I am stronger than this. Am I strong enough to go back to working outside of the house? Not quite yet. I am hoping maybe to go with Eddie to a few stores tonight and seeing how it goes wearing a mask again before I commit to working an entire shift sweating and breathing under the repulsive fabric stuck to my face. I'm becoming pretty bitter about it about obviously! haha but let me also make it clear that I am still very pro-mask and want to protect others. My skin is just not having it.
Thank you so much for coming to this safe place for me to vent. I am here for you if you need to do the same. Only a couple people know what I went through last week and I'm ready to share with the world because I am not the only one going through it. All though many times it feels like I'm the only one when I scroll through facebook and see more and more of my fellow late-bloomers making their pregnancy announcements and I notice people 10 to 15 years younger than me starting this process as well. Who and where will I place all this love I have to give if not to a child? We are still pondering adoption but as I've mentioned the costs are staggering and it seems crazy to me to spend that much when we could help so many others with the extra time and money we will have being child-free.
I promise to make tomorrow's post much more fun and positive as we prepare to have a small pumpkin carving event at our home with our closest friends and co-workers (members of our "quarantine crew"). Are you doing any fun fall events with your family or quarantine crew? Tell me about them!
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