You guyssssss....I feel like a dump truck full of fat and greasy sugar molecules ran me over. I know it's the pred but like...it's so hard not to somehow I think it's my fault that I feel so shitty. Mainly because I indulged and way too much candy over the Halloday Weekend. (who likes my spelling of Hallo-day weekend?! get it?!) So, like, I've talked on numerous occasions about how awful sugar is in general, how bad it is personally for me and how just indulging in it once or twice causes me to crave it daily for weeks. I feel like my skin is pouring out greasy toxins. (here's a blog talking about falling into the sugar pit of death around Christmas time). I feel like I can feel the sugar in my veins cutting me like glass. I say this because I know that prednisone ups your blood sugar anyway and also makes your blood pressure increase so that's why I've been talking about feeling my blood pressure in every vein of my brain and face and even feeling my heartbeat in my eyes all day has been so disconcerting. I'm just a ball of medication induced anxiety. I really should have NOT purchased regular candy on top of everything else for Halloween. I mean, we had so many healthy snacks and amazing healthy and good food thanks to my personal Chef Eddie. but I felt like it wasn't the same without traditional candy. We had one small group of trick or treaters stop by and that's it. Someone tell me why I ordered the 3 freaking pound bag of candy?! Why do we have this emotional tie to candy and unending desire to fill our lives with it? I love the aesthetic of candy. The bright colors and shiny packaging and childhood memories associated with it. It's troubling how much I love it and have always loved it. Let's normalize and take the stigma out of talking about foods that we have no self control around. I've lost over 70 pounds in the last year and I know that I am not going to balloon back from a month of high steroid doses and holiday sugar cravings.
Maybe it's the stress eating while waiting for election results. For me, the elections is like a way that America can kind of interact with and control our own fate and it's the first time in a long time that we've had the ability to control what happens to us and how we want to live our lives and voting accordingly. So it's kind of exciting that we are watching all of our hard work and devotion getting to the poles but also kind of like white knuckling through this process that isn't even legally finished until December? Is that right? I dunno. This is my own safe place to ponder outload and it's here for you to ponder and ask questions and as well. If you know how the voting and counting process works better than me, and you probably do, feel free to drop hints in the comments!
Speaking of comments....I am so happy with everyone who has participated in my giveaway so far by commenting on yesterday's blog and social media posts! I realize that most people aren't going to be interested in my greeting cards that I make and that's no big deal! but it's fun still for friends and family to come together to support me and support mental health awareness as a whole. I've got 9 people so far that I can draw out of a hat on Saturday! I'm still taking entries until midnight on Friday! (win these cards by commenting on yesterday's blog, or this post, or this post here! Comment on instagram to be entered here and comment on this tweet to be entered to win here) OOh! As I am typing this more comments are coming up! Up to 11 now!
If you've watched the little video I made to promote this giveaway, you may have Lana Del Rey's "Like and American" stuck in your head, just like me. Can I tell you a sad but sweet story about this song? So, earlier this year, it was the height of summer. Maybe July? I was having one of my afternoon's off, sitting and soaking up the sun in my backyard. Listening to Lana on my outdoor speakers. I was feeling great but then this song came on...and it's not the lyrics really that rip me apart. It's the melodies. The keys and the chords and the rhythm and her sweet soaring voices. I immediately felt a fire inside of me light and the smoke of that fire was like grief pouring out of my mouth. I was crying so hard for so many things. but honestly? I was crying for Peanut. It was something about that song that day and those dreamy minor chords. Bascily G, Bminor, C and Aminor with a dash of Eminor and D. It's like a recipe for feelings.
That fire led me back to my guitar. I relearned on that same day how to play the first song I ever wrote, Happy Blind, and have been playing regularly again ever since. That song that day, and I still reference a diary entry I wrote in the back yard during this emotional resonance, I wrote about how that song that day spoke to my grief and grief spoke back in tears. How can music be so soul twisting and stomach turning by entering through our ears? Anyone who loves music as much as me, next time you hear a song that plucks your heart strings, immediately look up the song's chords and key signatures for future inspiration. Mix all of your inspiration together whenever you can and see what you can pull from it. Write about it, smoke about it, sing about, lazily strum your guitar about it, beat a piano about it, and then come back here to tell me what you made and play it for me.
I've known some severely mentally ill and crazy talented artists in my short life on this planet thus far. I've always said that "Creativity Pickles the Brain". That's why I feel it's necessary to own your crazy and use it to your advantage. I was sick of other people making money off of my fears. We are afraid we are ugly or not pretty enough or don't have the right clothes so we buy, buy and buy until we feel just a little better. That's life as an American to me in a nut shell. When I started writing music and even more so when I started this blog I realized how therapeutic it is to make art and make money off of my own damn problems for once. If something stupid happens to me, better believe I'm going to put it out here first to help other's learn from my mistakes and to set it right before anyone else can comment.
How as this for you as a hump day distraction? Was it as good for you as it was for me? I'm feeling better. Think I'm gonna tackle putting away some Halloween decorations. I may just go on instagram stories and drop some magical footage of me being a bloated potato and trying to clean up for the next holiday to decorate for which is...well not Thanksgiving per say. I don't decorate for Thanksgiving really- just more magic fall into winter looks and very early tiny hints of Christmas. Wanna join me on instagram? Let's just get away and dream together for a while. I'll be around tonight for you all. Love you guys so much <3
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| I'm Baby |
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