Quarantine: Winter Time Edition

 Wooooo! Times are really tough right now, guys. My anxiety is...how can I put this in words? Is in the stratosphere. It's higher than Shaggy and Scooby Doo. It's super out of control. I have just a little bit, or a lot of bit, of outside triggers going on. Some family health issues. Unfortunately it is indeed related to covid. I won't say more than that. I put my own shit out there for the world to read but that doesn't mean I'll share my loved one's. I'm not going to talk about who got it or when. It doesn't matter. It's here now. It's infiltrated my small family and my small community. It's personal. I always say this, "I know I'm not the only one going through this", but thus far up here in our Northern idyllic town, it hasn't really touched us yet. but now it's really getting pretty bad everywhere. and now it's struck my family. I'm having a hell of a time dealing with covid stress. Almost as much or if not more anxiety about it then April/May. I'm trying to unpack this. 

How can I talk about something affecting me so deeply that's already hit millions of people on this planet? I feel like....I've had time to deal with the anxiety of it so I should be better but it's suddenly got much harder. and I apologize about the writing of this blog today because I'm having a hard time forming my thoughts coherently. I recently talked about how I had planned with my family what I thought were safe-enough plans for the holidays and... it's not happening now. I am beyond devastated. We all are. and everywhere right now, I'm sure many families are going through the same thing. On the subject of family, it seems black and white. Like, either you are risking it or you are not. There's no sure fire way to not risk giving it to or catching it from your family and that is to not see your family. Done and done. However, things become blurred when we look at the workplace and how we make decisions about that. Now our jobs are at stake and our ability to pay bills and get health insurance. We can decide what's safe enough for our loved ones but it's up to our employer whether or not we have a job or not. Our employer decides if an exposed person can come back untested. They can decide how strict to be about masks. It's not our doctor telling us how safe we'll be, it's the people writing our paychecks. How f--ked is that?

The rules and guidelines and protocols all seem to get blurred during multiple parts of this process. When it comes down to it, you end up making choices about your health based on what your employer needs or what your co-worker does after hours or what family lives with you or lives across town or far away. Just completely random circumstances that one has no control over! Some places of business require a negative test to return to work after exposure and some don't...just little differences like this can start making the odds of catching covid and the rules we live by seem so random. I can't see my family because I want to be cautious and couldn't handle the guilt if they got sick, however if those I work with choose to see their families, and travel and not wear masks...everything I'm doing to be safe is null and void. We need to keep making money to afford our lives but we are willing to die for our jobs. Think about that. You could also say you have to be willing to die to drive a car...so I know this is subjective. It's just frustrating to me that our jobs are more important to us than anything else. It's unfortunate. It seems like us Americans just love to risk our health for $11 an hour. It's the best! (please hear my sarcasm) And how do we justify wearing masks around some people but not others? Why is it that we do things we know probably aren't safe but we have to do them anyway in the name of paychecks and health insurance? I know this is happening everywhere right now and it's so incredibly sad to me. I feel bad for all of the people who don't have the confidence to speak up for themselves and let others decide how many risks they are willing to take. The fact is most of us can't afford to have an opinion about the risks we take.

There's a threshold of sanity that one slips past when you finally find out that you've officially been exposed to covid. There's the abstract idea or inkling that, yes, ok when I visited Mackinac Island this summer I most definitely touched the same surfaces of people who have covid and probably walked in the streets with people with covid but again that's abstract. But when you get an official call from the health department saying you've been "officially exposed" you now bare the burden of sharing with others your exposure and how, pray tell, do they prefer you to go forward? Would you like a negative test before breathing near me? Would you like to wait 2 weeks before I walk through your door? Do you not care if someone who potentially has it is touching your money or credit card?.....Just so many random things we have to think about or try not to think about going forward...I know I'm not making all that much sense, but please bear with me as I process these thoughts again, that millions have already processed, but I somehow feel like I'm doing it for the first time. How many times are we going to get calls from the health department saying that we have been exposed before we just stay inside forever?

It's just...I guess like I said it's the "official exposure" that is causing me to reconnect my close relationship with the coronavirus and the massive amount of anxiety it drags with it like chains. I feel like I'm dealing with it for the first time all over again. Like it's May and I'm preparing to be in the masses yet again. One thing is still true though: I will not subject my family members to this uncertainty. There are so many unknowns. If we still need to go to work to keep the economy open and keep our jobs so be it but I am not going to breathe near my family members indoors unless I know for sure how and why we get it and who dies and who lives. 

I had such a hard time drawing this conclusion the last week or so. I felt like maybe I really was going to be living in my lily white privileged fantasy world where I could see my family for Thanksgiving and we could all sit together inside and spend the night at each other's houses and exchange gifts and share meals. Imagine? Imagine a world like that? I'm being kind of sarcastic and again, please know I'm acknowledging how much white privilege I have and how good I have it and it could be so much worse. I think it's still important that we acknowledge what a let down it is not to see each other. I'm witnessing a grown adult, myself, crying big fat baby tears because we can't see each other for Thanksgiving. I've been crying a lot too. A lot. IT'S HARD. It's ok to be sad about that. 

Please people, I implore you. Wear a mask. There's so many unknowns. This year sucks so much. It's so stupid and frustrating. I'm furious. I'm so angry. Use the anger to fuel your determination in getting through this hard winter holed up in our homes alone. Since these are extreme times I'm going to do extreme coping mechanisms like I did this past Spring during quarantine. Frankly, a good quarantine is honestly what we need to stop getting each other sick. I'm gonna do quarantine Winter time edition. I'm going to decorate the hell out of my house and make my home into a north pole wonderland. I'm going to make so many cards. I'm going to do so much baking and crafts and projects and cleaning and lots and lots therapy. Thank God I have Eddie and Bean. I can do anything with them. and I'm going to keep going to work like a good little American and support local business' and when I'm told to stop going to work I'll stop like we did earlier this year. I'm gonna keep wearing a mask even though it's not stopping us from catching covid and it's ruining my skin.   What's your plan to keep yourself safe the next several weeks?