When It rains, it pours; the bad news keeps coming

Hoooooo boy! When I say shit's hard lately, I really mean that. I know it's hard for everyone and some days no matter how prepared we think we are, it just keeps getting worse.

We received 2 devastating bits of news today that are going to directly impact our job security, health insurance and ability to pay bills. I know that's nothing new as far as this pandemic goes. Many of us have lost jobs. Last year, we moved here from San Francisco for a job and we chose to move to this amazing and thriving city, which is growing fast. Some may say people like us moving here from California are what's making it worse, gentrification wise. We love the growth, don't get me wrong, but our property tax increased so dramatically after buying our home that our mortgage now went up several hundred dollars a month. We learned about the property tax increase earlier this year I just didn't realize it would kick in on the exact day we found out that Eddie is losing his job. 

I wish I could help more with the bills now more that ever! I know I only work part time and full time would help but I can barely make it to work part time as it is during this pandemic. Ok, let's be real, I really can't work a full time job pandemic or not. Unfortunately, debilitating depression and anxiety have made my ability to work full time pretty much impossible, hence this blog and my etsy shop and other passive income I've made for myself. I barely make it through my shifts and they don't pay much. That's real life folks. Make a good life for yourself and work hard and pay off your debt and you'll be fine! (major sarcasm) Only for a bit though because life keeps going! So if you see me hawking sex toys, becoming an annoying influencer for amazon or another corporation, or any other shit....mind ya business while I try to make as much money as possible. If Eddie indeed looses his job, we are so screwed. but soon we will know if we lose it all and we can start making a plan. I was sitting in the dentist chair today when I found out all of the bad news. God obviously has a plan for everything so I'm guessing this is part of it. It's in God's hands. I wish I had a church to pray in right now. 

I'm feeling....well I'm feeling better than I thought I would thanks to a fabulous pep talk from my Momma. I just keep realizing I have no control over anything and that's the way things are going to stay. I'm dreading the idea of selling our home...I have no clue where we will go or what we will do. We moved across the country for this job. I know we are a smart and capable couple but I also am very mentally not well at all and losing our health insurance, hell even switching health insurance right now will totally devastate all the relationships with my current care providers. In the past, changes of insurance have set my mental health progress back dramatically due to shortage of providers and finding a right fit. If I was hesitant before about quitting our fertility journey, I'm pretty much dead set against continuing with the plans now. Whether that's adoption or having our own...I think God is showing us that this isn't the right lifetime for us to have children as there is no certainty in this life that we can give a child a stable home and economic outlook. 

I was hoping to have better things to write about. All of my Christmas decorations sit in our dinning room in boxes. I'm not sure what to celebrate anymore. I'm shaking with dread, panic and fear and I already felt like I could drop dead at anytime due to anxiety (I know it sounds dramatic but my chest and heart are just so tired of the friction and tightening and heart racing). I feel like our whole foundation was just destroyed beneath our feet. I mean, this could be a door opening to better things! That's what Momma said! and it's true! but I was hoping for more of a stable ground to tread the next six weeks over. No family visits, no friends, and no normal holiday plans and a terrible pandemic that is getting worse. Now we may be jobless and without our health insurance on top of it. 

I've gotta get my mind right or this won't go over well no matter what the outcome is. I have no control over any of this anyway so might as well enjoy the ride. This isn't even the only bad news we received today. I keep getting to a point where I think I have a handle on keeping myself and my husband safe from covid-19 but then somebody else does something that I have no control over and it un-does all of the hard work and sacrifices we have made. I know I've discussed before how frustrating it is when our co-workers put us in danger by not taking covid-19 seriously. There is literally nothing we can do. Let's just say that even though we are doing all we can not to spread the virus and sacrificing our holidays by not traveling to see family or having family travel to see us, we can't stop others from doing that exact thing.  Families are being torn apart by this fucking virus and some people just don't get it. Businesses are also being lost not only by revenue loss and unemployment, but what happens when an entire business is exposed to covid and all of it's staff? Does everyone go home for 2 weeks? Asking for a friend... but again, I have no control over any of this. All I can do is hope that people are wearing masks around my loved ones and that my loved ones are wearing masks as well. What can you do? You can't stop people from using your desk or your phone or computer when you are not at work. You can't stop kids or even adults from touching things. So you just have to let go and let God. How many of you have lost friends or family members during 2020 not due to death but stupidity? Like you literally can't handle the way they view common sense? I keep hearing horror stories about politics and covid tearing people apart in all sorts of ways and it's disheartening. We all have to make these choices and deal with the consequences. I will have consequences to deal with whether I try and make things better and I'll have consequences from not doing anything at all. I want to look back and be glad that I least I tried. I've talked before about my inability to make long lasting and meaningful friendships. 2020 has not helped. I'm thinking more and more that I was meant to be good friends with cats and that's just fine with me. 

and I'm not stupid so I realize I over react to things and often see things as black and white. It's either all good or all bad. No in-between and I'm trying to work on that. I know that the chance of catching covid from other surfaces is low but the possibility is absolutely there. It's human nature to want to prevent catastrophes as much as it is human nature to be frivolous and selfish. None of us are perfect. I'm not perfect at all. We've all done hypocritical things, me especially when it comes to safety during covid because there are so many unknowns. Who am I to freak out about the safety of my work place or my loved one's workplace when I'm putting myself at risk to get my hair done? (granted, I and the service providers are wearing masks) and I'm being just as frivolous and selfish by making that trip to bath and body works! To others that probably seems entirely self centered. Catching covid for a scented candle? lol Catch me doing that 3 times since this shit went down!  The things I know for sure are this: I will do anything I can to protect myself and my family. My mental health is so precariously perched on a tree branch made of anxiety medication, expensive telehealth therapy, part time retail shifts for $11 an hour, occasional cardio workouts and meditation. Those are the only things keeping me going through all of this. I can't take much more. I don't have much faith in myself when it comes how I will handle myself being very sick and/or hospitalized alone or the same thing happening to Eddie. Despite all of our end of life planning and life insurance, the fact is that I think I would die with out him. That's real talk. 

I did a 45 minute cardio workout today. It felt so good and I was shakey in a good way. and then had a really good cleansing meditation. The last 24 hours have been good, like damn, things might be getting better! I don't know what will happen. This is a lot to process, damn. Thank you guys for always supporting me and your messages of encouragement help so much! Your girl is having a tough time. I'm barely holding it together. Please remember to support your local and small businesses and hey- since you are here please do me a solid and click on some advertisements! I make a couple bucks per click sometimes! We are about to struggling so much more than we already have and every cent helps. and I don't gotta tell you how to get to my etsy shop but here is the link anyway. I need to add some single card options for those that don't have the funds to buy multiple at once. I'm working on it. Life keeps getting in the way.

Look, bottom line, literally, we are all having a really tough time. Let's try to be patient with one another. Do what you gotta do to keep your mental and physical health up as much as you can. There's not a whole lot of certainty right now. Let's make this a weekend full of happy mail, supportive messages and love. <3