Hello! What a beautiful day to get vaccinated! The sun is shining today in snowy northern Michigan and the short workweek has begun. I took my trip to the health department with my husband Eddie by my side. Before all that, though, I finally got to have my therapy appointment after my therapist has been out sick for a bit. I'm just so glad she is on the mend and that I have my wonderful care provider back for our weekly visits. I can't tell you how relieved I was when I got a text this morning saying she was available and feeling well enough to talk. Instant relief flooded me along with the thought that I need to hurry up and eat breakfast in front of my "happy light" and organize my thoughts before we met up on our devices for what feels like our hundredth virtual visit. Although I had been trying to abstain from higher amounts of caffeine due to my panic disorder flaring up, I felt like I deserved a small coffee this morning from our Keurig. Besides, I was about to have a therapy session finally and I haven't had a panic attack in a few days! (we'll just have to see about that, my panic disorder plotted behind my back...)
I was surprised I didn't have one last night. I was having troubles falling asleep. A reoccurring theme in my mental illness is avoiding bed time as I have to be alone with my thoughts; ergo my anxiety and panic. I'm reading only light and fluffy topics these days (I had to give up reddit indefinitely. too dark for me right now. along with the news). I have reading Mariah Carey's memoir, "The Meaning of Mariah Carey" and it is so good. It helps me to remember that even fabulous divas with millions of dollars and talent on tap can also suffer from stress, insomnia, anxiety, family issues and use creativity to filter out the pain. I was still having trouble getting my mind to shut up though.
As I have discussed many a time recently, I am in the process of setting up our own mortuary transport business and am doing medical examiner pick-ups as a side gig. I enter scenes of unattended deaths and assist with removals and transportation to the morgue and then back to funeral homes. Unattended deaths can be due to health conditions such as heart attacks, accidental medication or drug overdose, suicide, homicide, or accident. Sometimes the deaths we are tending to are covid positive cases, hence the need for covid vaccine. Although I've been doing this job only a short time, it gives me such pride and purpose to be serving my community and stepping up when many others wouldn't for such a job. However, we still have many supplies to get and things to set up. My mind is going over what materials we need to clean up blood and decomp fluids while also thinking of what we can have on hand to wear in the cold weather elements. Things like that. You can see how maybe it might be hard to fall asleep right now. The thing that keeps me going is that next call and how I can help the families involved, the feeling of accomplishment when a job was performed successfully and of course this blog and my community of mental health warriors that I've gathered around me.
Sleep finally came with the help of xanax, a medication that I hate to use but is more important to me right now than ever before. It's also been making appearances in my daytime life which is unfortunate but I'm waiting on my SSRI medication dosage's recent increase to take it's place. In the meantime, it's a necessary evil. Xanax is highly addictive and the tolerance builds so quickly. It's not to be taken lightly. It's so important that all of my health care providers, especially my psychiatrist, know how much I'm using on a daily basis and whether or not it's helping. So far, thankfully, it does. However, sometimes panic attacks slip through and I must suffer until I take another dose or until the first dose kicks in. (In the meantime, if you don't know what a panic attack truly feels like, here's a summary. In this particular summary, it gives "feeling like you are going to die" as the last symptom but for me it's one of the first thoughts I have after my heart starts pounding. A typical attack jumps my heart rate at full rest and laying down at up to 120 beats per minute and has gone up to 250 beats per minute...ok that's enough talk about that....) I've written about it before and I would love to break it down again but lately it's been so bad that even describing the steps of an attack can bring one on. What a time to be starting a new business and career! I do have experience working in the mortuary business but not so hands on. It's really a privilege to have this job and I am honored to have this responsibility. But while we are in these types of situations, it's important to not only keep our mental health in tip-top shape in order to be there for others, we also have to watch our physical health for heavy lifting, increase our knowledge on bloodborne pathogens, and now exposure to covd-19.
Today we had our appointments at the health department and although I am so relieved and so very grateful for this opportunity, I am without a doubt nervous. Being nervous is normal though. I got there and filled out a forms and was brought back quickly for my shot and it was given painlessly in shoulder of my choice. It was done so quickly and I was whisked off to another room where I was to wait for approximately 20 minutes to be sure I had no adverse reactions. There have been only a handful of allergic reactions thus far in the United States to the vaccine and they have been treated successfully and quickly. Those with reactions usually have a history of anaphylaxis from vaccines in the past. Once I got to the waiting room, the nurses and healthcare workers were cheerful and there were all sorts of supplies on hand. I quickly got out my phone to take the "I got vaccinated" selfie and signed up for the V-Safe survey process. Suddenly, my adrenaline and excitement kicked my hyper-awareness into over drive and I began to have a panic attack. Nothing I haven't been through before. My heart raced and took deep breathes and took a half xanax under my tongue and waited for relief. In the meantime, I told my husband who was with me that I was having an attack and that I otherwise felt fine. I know by now what it feels like and I also knew that if it felt like anything else I had plenty of healthcare workers around me to help. I stared at the blowing snow outside and let the lull of laughter and excited talking in the background carry my thoughts to safety. I was fine.
I am so incredibly proud of myself for doing something so important but scary and holding my head up high. I've been in a lot of new and scary situations the last couple of weeks and I've come out the other side wiser and more experienced. It doesn't make panic attacks any less scary though. Back in the vaccine waiting room I breathed deeply and gave my self the patience and loving kindness I needed to get through it. It was quick panic attack, lasting only 10 minutes. We waited for full 20 minutes and my heartrate came back down to normal and my thoughts stopped racing. We went to lunch and had a quick regular doctor's checkup afterwards and although the 2 appointments were unrelated, it was all the more reassuring to be in the presence of more healthcare workers that we knew and trusted. Eddie had to go back to work as the funeral home is busier than ever and I am home now, sitting on our couch next to Bean and writing to you about my adventure. I wait for my next call when I am needed in the community and until then I will keep writing to you and putting vlog and videos up on my youtube channel! Please subscribe! I just added a few Disney World vacation videos from last year and have more to come! Also, here's my latest cozy vlog about roasting chestnuts over an open fire. See you back here tomorrow for Yule Blog day 29!
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