I can't believe it's the 30th of December! Oh my lawdddd...2021, she comin! Can we talk about winter depression binge watching? I had so many miniature panic attack yesterday and I was just plastered to the couch all day. (I'm calling miniature panic attacks where at any little thought of something remotely stressful your heart starts to pound immediately but you somehow avoid a full on panic attack on prolonged heart racing but you still have the adrenaline surging for hours and stomach aches and all that) Anyway, after my workout- spoiler alert: I did not film a vlog- after my workout, I wanted to paint my nails and I absolutely suck at painting my nails so it takes forever. Plus I wanted to do a more complicated look (which for me is one coat of solid color- in this case white/funny bunny by OPI and that Holo-daze nail polish I talk about in this blog made by a masterful momma here in TC) It's really a super basic bitch look but I'm so messy and ADHD that I can't wait for anything to dry so the bottom coat never fully dries and it kept coming off. So I tuned into my favorite shit to watch ever on youtube which is anything by my favorite drag queens- especially UNHhhh. I've been binge watching Trixie and Katya for years now and nothing gets me laughing harder. Nothing. I literally watched all the old and new episodes for 4 hours straight and painted my nails 3 times. It was the only time yesterday I wasn't having panic attacks.
I'm just exhausted from holiday drama, work and new business stuff, and constant panic attacks. I started my new workbook "Mind Over Mood". Let's be honest, I haven't officially started it yet. I got it in the mail yesterday and I've just been pouring over the table of contents and like, judging it in my head. Like, I'm better than a workbook? Bitch, no I'm not not. I need to start it. I will today and I promise to let you know how it goes. So funny how I got recommended this book; My husband's therapist said, "you need to get your wife this book". Like, I'm so deeply mentally ill, that even my husband's therapist is prescribing workbooks for me. That's a therapist's job though for real! If you're actually pretty psychologically sound, like my husband is, then the next thing to help fix, naturally, are the people in your life. I've been asking my husband to see someone occasionally to talk to since the month we got married because I know that "caregiver fatigue" or "compassion fatigue" are very real problems and I always want him to have someone to vent to. He deserves that. We all do. Not that he has to care for me as fully as he had to in the 2015-2018 years but still, dealing with a deeply depressed, very panic and anxiety consumed person is no picnic. Therapy for everyone! Let's normalize that!
I'm just so grateful I somehow woke up today with my alarm, still ready to tackle the day despite a bout of insomnia last night. I slept very little. I'm reading another book right now called "The Goldfinch" and I feel like even though I'm reading something good and not doom-scrolling reddit or the news, that I'm still guilty of something because I do it for hours at night when I should be sleeping. I feel like I've had to give up a lot of things lately that I enjoy and last night/this morning at 3am I am wondering, "can I not even handle reading a good book anymore because I can't put it down?". You know? Like I can't drink coffee or drink alcohol, or enjoy marijuana or watch the news or eat sugar...now I'm wondering can I not even read a book? I think the truth is, if I can't sleep, it's because I have so much adrenaline running through my veins from these panic attacks. Not because of a book. I'm just trying to get a tiny bit of pleasure out of my days right now. Yes, my life is exciting and wonderful but mental illness really dulls all of that. I'm trying so hard. It's really hard work. I'm so tired you guys.
I need to wash my tired and dried out face and film a vlog which is only thing that's making me feel like I still have a social life at this point. Eddie is so incredibly busy at work and he's barely been home for what feels like the past 3 weeks. I get so worried about him working this much but I know worrying will do nothing to help. I need to take care of myself so I can be there for him. It's always a rough balance between self-care during really bad symptomatic days and wanting to make everything happy and magical for my hardworking boo when he gets home. Let's be real, I'm really strong and good at this now and I can do both.
I'll see you back here tomorrow for our LAST YULE BLOG! Don't cry! You'll make me cry!
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