I am so happy and relived to be back in my our safe place today, writing this blog to you in the light of day after a terrifying night. Well, the whole night wasn't terrifying but I'll explain it all to you. Let's just say I almost started writing to you at 4am this morning while having the worst the panic attacks I've had in over a decade.
Yesterday, and all week really, Eddie and I have been working so hard to pull ourselves out of the "we don't know what will happen next" slump. I haven't really felt all that festive since the drama about his job started, and on top of that getting more hospital bills from my emergency room visit during the summer and let's not forget my close call with covid. I have been practicing mindfulness for gratitude like crazy because I am kind of disappointed in myself for over-reacting to every piece of news or information that we get. Its helped some but I'm still not perfect at it.
After I recieved the great news that my covid test was negative, I immediately started to think about all of the things I could do again, such as simply leaving the house to go on a walk! Like I said yesterday, my first cardio workout since being sick had to be cut short due to wheezing in my lungs but I kept on going with my day and didn't let it discourage me. I knew I wanted to put some makeup on, maybe some hair extensions (so fancy!) and go on a walk with my hubby to see the neighborhood Christmas lights. (Eddie took this super cute photo of me in front of one of the decorated houses. Also see this Instagram highlight reel to see the other cute photos and videos we took.) I finally had good reason to try my new Suva Beauty hydra liner in white for a mod look that I have been day dreaming about and is inspired by the fabulous makeup in the Rain on Me music video with Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga. All in all, I think I did an ok job for a super fast and first time try. See the photos below for how it turned out!
After taking an adorable walk which was like the blissful first date in a Hallmark Holiday movie while it was lightly snowing and ever-so-festive, we had some dinner and I finally sat down to watch Happiest Season and it was so good and so super cute! I still haven't watched The Christmas Yule Blog yet but that might be what we do tonight! Anyway, back to last night. We went to sleep and slept well until about 3am when we both woke up and felt wide awake for some reason and had really hard time falling back to sleep. I tried my coveted CBD oil and it helped the pain from sore muscles I was feeling after a tough workout. I think I need to try the sleep formula as I currently only have the full spectrum and want the specialized sleep formula for times like these.
So here we are, unable to go back to sleep which has been a common theme in our home due to the stress we are feeling. I think between Eddie's work stress, his increasing workload due to the covid pandemic, my covid close call, and everything else, my panic and anxiety have been waiting to pounce on me at my weakest point. Last night must have been it because it was probably the scariest panic attacks I've ever had. At least since my first experiences with them in my mid-twenties.
Eddie went and sat in our hot tub to see if that could help him relax enough to go back to sleep and when he came inside I was still lying awake and staring at my phone (so SO BAD FOR ME! I know!) and he sat out in the living room reading a book like a good boy. According to sleep hygiene experts, laying bed and staring at your phone is a big no no as the blue light causes you stay awake and if you aren't sleeping you shouldn't lay in bed. I rolled over at one point and breathed a sigh of relief as I felt myself getting sleepy again finally. Once I rolled onto my back, I felt the familiar panic attack symptoms set in. My heart started pounding and thoughts of worst case scenarios started playin in my mind's eye. My back and chest felt like they were on fire and I started to shiver uncontrollably. Eddie finally felt tired enough to come back to bed just as I was getting out of bed to take a xanax. Yes, it had gotten to the point where xanax was needed to stop the attacks. but they didn't stop. My mouth was dry as a bone and my legs felt weak and crampy. I was standing in the living room trying to convince myself that I wasn't dying and that I didn't need to call 911 and I heard Eddie's breathing go into the "I'm asleep" mode and I tried so hard to get through it on my own but all I could think of was that I needed to go to the ER. (I truly loathe how much panic attacks can convince you that you are dying) The terror is significant and sharp. After I couldn't wait any longer I unfortunately had to wake him up so that he could talk to me and distract me from my agony. He asked if I wanted to cuddle up with him but I was at that point in an attack where you only can lay on your back and constantly keep trying to take deep breathes while your lungs try and expand despite the cramping of every muscle in your body. I had to manually focus on breathing. After 20 minute of my heartrate being between 115-130 laying down, I knew I needed to try another xanax. I hate taking this much medication but it was the only thing stopping me from making the mistake of going to the hospital for something that I can only get through on my own. I grabbed a handful of ice cubes and shivered and shook through out the terrifying waves of panic and fear and terror. (sometimes holding ice helps and I only do it when it's really, really bad). I kept flashing back to my first episodes of this type of attack when I lived with my Nanny and how comforting she was and how she would stay up with me all night if needed while I laid in her bed trembling. I used my pulse oximeter to convince myself that I was still getting enough air and to also combat any pesky dangerous thoughts of having covid and dying from it even though my test came back negative. Though my resting heart rate was in in the 100s which isn't normal for me, my oxygen level was still 97% so knowing that proves how knowledge really is power. The last thing I remember is being startled awake a few more times by intrusive thoughts before finally waking up on my own after 12:30pm.
The whole night was a disaster but I lived to talk about it. I'm just hoping that I won't start developing a fear of going to bed again but I think I've come too far in my experience with mental illness to regress that far. Still though, the fear is so strong and is still trying to find it's way into my body as I type this. I know things will get better. They will get better for you too! For all of us! We get a fresh start every day and that's the only thing we can rely on sometimes. Please just know that if you are suffering from out-of-control anxiety, I am right there with you babes. Please hang in there.
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| rain on me music video inspired makeup |
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