Welcome back to my Yule Blog! In today's post I want to talk about some real, honest truths about how my day-to-day life has been. Honestly? It hasn't been that great. I put a sort of call to help/call to action/SOS last night on my social media feeds asking for real people to respond to my questions of sanity and anxiety due to this pandemic. I was over joyed by the replies and messages of support I have recieved. However, the truth is I am not dealing well with the extra stress and anxiety at all. Let's unpack this together. I want to take the stigma out of being truthful on social media even when the truth isn't pretty or perfect.
I am having an especially hard time with the fact that I haven't had covid yet, that I know of, and although that sounds like a blessing, hear me out. It becomes an awkward situation when members of your family have had covid and can now get together with their shared immunity and it's easy for me to feel left out in that regard. I am an honest to God, a spoiled brat and only child deep inside my soul (real talk!) and can't help but feel so left out about something so stupid. I've mentioned before dozens of times how social media can be toxic in that way as you see families and people going on about their life like no pandemic is happening and I have a theory that all of those people I see hanging out with their families like normal have already have covid otherwise why would they risk getting their moms, dads, babies, and grandparents sick? but no one is stating this out loud or publicly so what you end up with are assumptions based on their superficial account feeds. It's none of my business who has had and hasn't had covid yet but I wish people would be more transparent! I don't want to wait any longer to see my family! It's so selfish but it's true. My mental health is taking a huge hit by the fact that I can't recharge my energy and vitality in the ways I normally do; such as seeing family and friends and traveling and getting out of the house for a night or 2 or attending group exercise classes or group therapy or volunteering in person. All of those options have been taken away from me. I was doing fine earlier this year when this was still new and I was able to see my family once by visiting with them outside and we were able to take a small vacation over the summer to Northern Upper Michigan but those experiences seem so far away now.
On top of all of this lack of normalcy, I've had to quit my job at the cute store downtown because my anxiety has made me so physically sick that I cannot in my right mind think I'm being a good representative of the store and able to sell people things despite how uncomfortable I am with their terrible mask hygiene (pulling it down under their chin to smell perfume or just not wearing it correctly at all) and the lack of limiting the amount of people inside a really small store has sent me over the edge. How can I convince someone to spend their money on the wonderful products made by local artists and makers when I have to constantly tell them to pull their mask up? or starting my welcome to the store greeting out with begging them to wash their hands or use sanitizer. It's impossible for me to do both! I must not be cut out of retail. or let's be real, I'm not cut out for most jobs. I was due to return to my normal shifts tomorrow for the first time since my covid test quarantine but am unable to physically force myself. Not only am I experiencing the worst panic attacks of my life (I am so close to calling 911 every time I have a panic attack this severe because they are so terrifying. and they are occurring almost daily now). I had to quit my job last minute and just be brutally honest to my boss about not being able to return. I spent all morning today hunched over a garbage can, gagging and burping through intense waves of nausea. This isn't even a cold or flu people. This is my anxiety. It's really destroying my health. and let's not forget that only 2 weeks ago, I literally shit my pants twice in a one hour period due to my dread of coming into work. I shit. my. fucking. pants. twice. Wow! What the actual fuck?
I had a meeting with my therapist last night and it was decided I need to up my anxiety medications (for the third time this year) and after our talk I was feeling much better but an email from my family set me off. I should be happy for my family and siblings to be able to see each other as they have all had and recovered from covid but I just can't help feeling rotten and left out and I'm not controlling my response to feelings well at all. You guys, I have never in my whole life been so angry and out of control with the words I speak and type to people as I have been the last several months. I am turning into a horrible monster of a person who can't control her emotions and am saying horrible and mean things to people that do not deserve it. I have lost all of my self control it seems. On the outside, it may seem like I'm functioning normally and in a way I am. but the bad days are starting to become way more common than the good days. Yes, Eddie and I are trying to stay happy and festive and are going for walks to see our neighborhood's lovely Christmas light displays and yes I am able to somewhat still do self-promotion online for my own store and blog but let me be very honest: I am struggling. I am not okay. I am sick with dread. I am still practicing daily mindfulness and exercising and getting out of the house but let's face it. It's not the same. We haven't had friends over and gotten together with friends since October when it was still doable to hang out outside. and when your own personal job and goals involve being on social media as much I am...well reality seems really skewed. I see family group photos of smiling faces and matching holiday pajamas and pictures of people's trips and vacations and I just can't bring myself to do the same actions because I don't know if I've had covid, or maybe my test was a false negative or maybe I'll still get it and become really sick or Eddie will. I wish so badly I didn't care and could go off and do all of those things I want to do like weekend trips and holiday dinners. I'm trying to listen to the advice of scientists and health care workers but it's so hard to "stay home and stay safe" when it seems like the majority of people aren't doing that at all. Like, is there something wrong with me? Am I stupid for not going about life as normal like I see so many hundreds of people doing every day? I am sure there are people who read this and are probably laughing at loud for my "living in fear" at least it seems that way due to what people post on facebook and how they react to things. Like the constant snarky "laughing in your face" emojis that people are using to reply to every piece of news about our governors attempts to keep our covid numbers down. I do agree that we shouldn't take away people's ability to run their own businesses when the government is doing NOTHING to support these people while they are closed. That I can agree is probably not wise. However, I also support our health care workers who are crying for help as our hospitals become over loaded and it seems that the only thing we can do to help is to stop bars and restaurants being open. Again, there must be a better way.
I know this blog is long and negative and rambling but I have temporarily lost my ability to be positive. Just for now I want to acknowledge how fucked up this whole thing is and how it sucks for everyone. Tomorrow I will resume more festive and positive content, I promise. I just feel like I'm not being true to my readers when I am talking to you everyday but not telling you what I am actually going through and what I am really thinking and feeling. Thanks for sticking with me you guys. Please share this blog if it has helped you by reading about real life and real struggles. and remember clicking on the advertisements help to support my underemployed and broke ass! (visit my website, lindsayloomis.com for more ways to support your girl and to get help for yourself!)
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