I hate to even type these words, because I've mentioned lately, even talking about panic attacks have been enough to trigger one. I'm at my breaking point. I'm losing my absolute mind and sanity. I feel like I'm at times on the verge of psychotic break because I can't control my racing thoughts or how dark I feel. When my own husband comes to comfort me, I need to turn away because I am in such a dark and scary spin-out of turmoil, that I can't face this beautiful man who loves me so much. While I'm in these times of terror, I am not myself but an out of control dark twisted version of myself that I've never experienced before.
I need to get to the bottom of this. Why? Why is my anxiety, panic, fear, terror and worry over taking me? My first days of Yule Blog about a month ago I was describing my panic attacks. I've since then cut out all items from my diet and life that can contribute to this but yet it get's worse. My mind is so dark and scary. I spend half of my time feeling like the normal me but with more invasive thoughts and like I'm experiencing the beginning of the panic attacks. but usually by nightfall, I've reached a point where I can't fight them anymore and I have to take xanax. Tonight was the culmination of all of that plus more. A real scary out of my mind experience. I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense.
I'm reading bible passages lately to help comfort myself and it does some good but other times I can't even really comprehend what I'm reading or looking at. Lights seem too bright and sounds too loud. It starts with irritability and continues from there. It gets to a point of feeling like an out of body experience. My heart starts pounding at the littlest thing.
You guys, this is so scary and not like me, especially the last year and a half, to not be in control of my own mind, body and thoughts. I'm meditating and exercising daily and I can't figure out what I am doing wrong to bring these terrors on. Is it my new job choice? Things changing in my life? On top of all this, when something insignificant happens, such as my toe forming a painful, swollen and itchy blister, to begin to wonder if I've caught covid, since I've only been vaccinated now less than a week, and maybe this is the "covid toe" shit we've been hearing about. I start to worry about it all. This is beyond the point of breathing exercises and meditation and positive thoughts. It's very real terror and like I said it's hard to even write about. I hate admitting that this is happening because to admit it makes it real but I'm feeling like If I admit it's real then I'll finally get a grip on it.
I'd give anything to feel how I felt month or so ago and before. More or less myself with the normal life disturbances but still able to function. I've only had one or two other times in my life like this and I have to say that I am functioning better now throughout these ordeals than I did then, but still, this is nothing to take lightly. I am so sad and tired and exhausted.
It has to get better. It will get better. Say it with me, "IT WILL GET BETTER". Nothing lasts forever.
I'm finding myself less and less able to fight these surges of adrenaline and panic that try to pry their way into my day-to-day life. I need to call my primary care doctor tomorrow about getting my toe checked out and I already have a therapy appointment scheduled for tomorrow and psychiatrist re-check on Wednesday and I'm worried that none of these fine people will be able to help me. I'm sure this is just life with GAD and panic disorder but in this accelerated state, it feels pretty close to unbearable. I don't want to be doped up all day but it's getting to that point so that I can keep from this misery. I try to push it back all day long and I lose any joy in my life while I'm dealing with it but I try to wait as long as possible before I take any medication. After the spiral I had this evening, I feel I need to keep medicating all day long.
I don't normally ask for this but keep me in your prayers if you do that sort of thing. I've been on top of my game so to speak for a while now mental illness wise. Pursuing dreams and crushing goals. but this every day panic and fear is swallowing me alive. If you've been here, please reach out to me. Thank you so much for being here for me. I need you guys more than ever. I am going to keep battling this for me and for you.
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