My Own Summer

 I talk a lot about coping skills in this blog. Mostly about the positive skills I've developed over the years. I try to give examples and ideas for other's to used such as mediation, yoga, juicing, therapy and prayer. Not all of my coping skills are perfect though. I have a lot of bad habits that I've developed over time, some since the beginning of my life, as far back as I  can remember. and to me, it seems like my life is made up of stages where I used different coping skills to deal with my mental illness. The stages define my life and wrap things up into dysfunctional eras and sort of slip my memories into convenient storage files in my mind. I've used drinking to cope, sex, starvation and eating disorders. Above all else though, I've used my imagination. Which may not sound too bad actually and I guess it's not so bad except I've created a whole completely alternate reality that I live in most of the time. Sometimes I feel like I am slipping too far into my own world and I grow frustrated that I can't deal with the "real world" as I should. I escape. I day dream. I always have. It's more than just a Pisces thing. It's a life style.

Since I can remember, friends and family have told me that it seems as though I have my own "Lindsay Loomis Land" in my head that I live in. With a very vivid imagination I have always added to, subtracted from, and cultivated a skewed image of my life happening around me in order for it to fit into what I want. Growing up, I was often caught in little lies that I myself even believed that were so true that it didn't seem like a lie when I said them. Is it a good coping skill or a bad one? I'm not sure. I there are definitely times where my escapism are very prevalent. I talked recently in a vlog about how I just don't have the capacity or desire to socialize anymore. I've always grown bored of conversations faster than others but it feels like the last several months have been the worst. I know people in the Midwest tend to chit-chat a lot more (or take 3 hours to say goodbye) and I don't know if the fast pace of West Coast life has spoiled me but I there are times when I feel like if I can't leave a social situation or a conversation with some immediately, I will burst. Almost like during a conversation with someone I am holding my breathe and can't release and I've stepped away to self soothe. Eddie has learned about my social ques over the years. I'm always quite happy to talk to others and can communicate easily but when I withdrawal, I usually just start looking into my phone and finding books to read or games to play because the act of socializing has become too jarring for me. It's happening much faster than it used to however! Sometimes when I know we'll be speaking with someone I feel like, and sometimes do, grab the keys to our car from Eddie retreat to our vehicle to pass the time alone while he catches up with whomever we ran into. I feel ashamed about it. I'm not sure if it's good or bad that I have this desire or habit and I look forward to talking about it more with my therapist. 

Why did I title this blog My Own Summer except for the obvious? Nothing reminds me of more of the joy of alone time in my own little world than the season of summer. Perhaps it was because I was raised an only child and absence of the daily noise of school combined with the white noise of a simultaneous hush-humming air conditioner, but it gives me a joy I can't describe. You know that feeling when you've been in the sun all day at the pool or beach, and your freshly showered sun kissed pink skin was wrapped in a warm fresh terry cloth robe or towel? The quietness of afternoon naptime while you listen to sprinklers and lawnmowers hum outside? The shivering you do while sitting in an over-airconditioned booth at restaurant with your family on a summer evening? I live for those nostalgic feelings and the soothing feeling they give me. The quite and alone time. The solitude. The absolute joy you get from 100% solitude on a summer afternoon when you know no one is going to bother you for hours. Your free to be yourself and do as you please. To act out whatever you want. To pretend you are someone else and somewhere else. To create your own summer is a magical thing and I hope you'll join me in finding the right balance of solitude and socialization.