As most of my readers know, I've been in the weeds for quite some time now. A severe depression cloud descended upon me during the storm of job loss, increased property taxes, and other major life changes beginning Thanksgiving weekend of 2020. When I get in such a severe depression, I claw at and grab for any way to deal that I can find. When life is especially tumultuous, already well rehearsed coping skills and tactics are forgotten and and left by the wayside. What happened to my good habits that kept me in check? My meditation, daily walks, prayer, exercise?
It's not that they stopped. Not all together and not right away. It's just things got so bad, those coping mechanisms were no longer viable. I wrote in the months of December/January about the return of my severe panic attacks and I'm still dealing with their almost nightly visits. but when they started again after not being around for so many years, their return was surprising and unwelcomed. That's when I reintroduced daily prayer into my life to deal and also something new; a new way of looking at food as medicine for healing by the Medical Medium. As far as the diet changes that the medical medium prescribes, it's not that they are wrong, but I want to clear something up. I wasn't making those changes to lose weight, it was just another way to find anything I could to help ease my anxiety.
My daily panic and anxiety was so severe that I was willing to have celery juice for breakfast everyday if that meant I felt better. and for a while I did feel much better! but those big life changes...*sigh* they just kept coming. Every week was something new. Every week a new trauma I had to deal with in my new job. Suicides, over doses and tragic deaths. Decomp and gore. On top of that, more "normal" changes such as job changes, changes in medical health insurance coverage, deaths in the family, etc. It just wouldn't stop. It kinda sounds like how 2020 was for the rest of everyone else where as the pandemic and other tragedies of 2020 didn't directly affect me the way these other changes did. I was trying to find anything I could to help the pain.
Even changes in medication couldn't keep the cold hard grasp of depression from enveloping me as the darkest part of the winter season surrounded my home and my heart. I was starting to become avoidant. So deep was the pain that I had to find ways to numb myself. It started with sugar and skyrocket to full blown binge eating behavior. You guys, after losing all the weight the first couple years we moved back to Michigan, I lost my way and gained a good chunk of that weight back. Mostly in just the last couple of months. I've never experienced the desire to binge eat like I have recently. If it's not one thing, it's another. Mental illness is a sneaky ass bitch like that. One may think that the presence of restriction type eating disorders in life would immediately rule out the exact opposite ever occurring. but here I was, losing control over my appetite and numbing my feelings.
I withdrew into myself more than I have in years. I've written and talked lately on my vlogs about not being interested in socialization at all! and it's true! I found myself many times at loss for any words to speak at all. Even to Eddie. He would speak to me and ask me questions and I could barely open my mouth. What was happening??
The pain and trauma has been so severe, so deep. The depression crushing. The panic and anxiety squeezing the breathe of life right out of me. I'm only just now, just this week, starting to feel some relief. It's been bad. and I know it's kept me absent from here. I know that I am sorry for that. Not so much for you as I am for myself because not having the ability to blog like I want to is really awful because I know how happy it makes me. When I lose the ability to write, I lose the ability to live. Cuz that's my life blood. You know? Writers gonna write. That's what we do. My journals are full of emotional poetry and dark doodles but my blogs, as you have noticed, are few and far between and lackluster.
I'm coming back out of my shell. I remember last year after losing Peanut in March, which was another significant life change I had to deal with, I worked out every single day until I cried. I felt crazy for doing so but my therapist assures me, there's nothing wrong with physical activity inducing emotions like that. It's how I heal. (well it's one of the many ways) so what did I find myself doing this Tuesday after finally reaching out to Mom about my sad state? I cleaned and cried. Cried and cleaned. I mopped and moped. I dusted and spat and swept and wept and strained and sobbed. I cleaned the whole house in wave of emotional and physical relief. I kept going until my back ached. Not stopping until my head hit the pillow. (those familiar with the DSM might wonder about mania? and not to worry, I've worried about mania myself many a time but my docs are never concerned) I think it's just the cleaning and organizing binges I go on are so far from my dormant activity during depression that might appear to be manic in nature. So Tuesday I cleaned and cried. Wednesday and Thursday I went on hikes and walks that put my step count well beyond the daily goal of 10,000 after weeks of not even coming close. I've got blisters forming and tight and sore muscles in my legs but mind feels free.
And as I always do, regardless of depression, I remind myself that I have a body that allows me to walk long distances and on the shores of the beach and ears to listen to birds and eyes to view the gorgeous sights. It's not that I don't remind myself of these blessings as much as I can but it's hard to really take it all in when you're depressed. and I'm so blessed to have everything and everyone that I do. I have a lot. I never forget. and I never forget you, my dear reader. I am so grateful for you. Thank you for always being here with me. Tell me what's going on with you. What's new?\
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