Things I don't tell you

 I can feel the bony finger of a fibromyalgia flare run up my back in the new, damp, cool of the fall. Per usual, at the end of summer and warmth and sun fade away, more pain, emotionally and physically, come back to life within me. Although there's no solid scientific evidence pointing to where exactly fibromyalgia comes from, researchers agree on a few factors. Genetics, infections and physical or emotional events. I suspect it's the latter for me more than anything. Too many panic attacks, too many nervous anxiety wracked days, too many depression spells combined with trauma have taken their toll. I was diagnosed in 2018 and then again by new new doctor here in Michigan when we moved here from California in 2019. I'm exhausted, irritable and I'm sensitive lights and sounds. but the symptoms always start with pain. It feels like my bones have been hit with a sledge hammer. Because I suffer from chronic ear infections, I may mistake the pain in my head for ear troubles but even when they've been treated it feels as though I've been slammed on the ground with my the side of my head being the first point of contact. My muscles feel like rocks. Unpliable and unforgiving. and I just lose all energy and motivation so early in the day, if I get it at all. I'm in the middle of a flare up right now and not even the medical medium's life giving elixirs can save me right now. 

If you feel my pain, please know you are not alone and I am here with you and I wish you all the luck in the world finding a doctor who helps and believes in you. I know the road is long and hard. Hang in there.

While a fibro flare has me down right now, I'm still working. I'm still making plans with friends and going for hikes. I'm now enrolled in my first college class in a very long time. It's a very technical writing class and boy has it kicked my ass. I am the fluffiest fluff writer in the history of bloggers but as I'm sure you've noticed, I haven't been much of a blog writer this year.

Remember last year when I could write to you guys every single day telling you everything?! Wasn't that great? Well, my job is different now and I can't easily divulge details of what Eddie and I's business encounter as they are privileged and intimate secrets involving the most sensitive of subjects: unplanned deaths. (read more about our mortuary logistics company in these posts here)

The things I've seen. The horrors. I can't share with you the details, but I've shared with you the horrible night terrors that I suffered from earlier this year and how I overcame them (blogs on dreams, vlogs on dreams) and although I love our company and our jobs and it hasn't been holding me back per say, but I have noticed that I've been able to successfully "mask" again and what do I mean by that? Glad you asked. 

When I was bedridden from my depression, circa 2015-2018, there was no doubt I was depressed. I literally did not have to hide it because I didn't go anywhere or see anyone! There was no need to mask for people. When I did venture into public, it was only with a few select people and I still did not hide the fact that I was miserable. Fast forward to today and I am able to work really hard to maintain a job, friendships, attending classes and even do these things when I am very depressed or anxious. I don't always where it on my face though. I keep my chin up and try to be proud and confident no matter how I am feeling but sometimes in doing that I feel as though I am living a lie. 

One thing I want you to know, despite my absence from this blog: the girl still writes. It may be sappy sad poetry lately or articles for class but the girl does still write. and I hope to keep writing more to you on here as I find ways to share everything with you without sharing everything with you.