Hello readers and mental health warriors. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I actually feel like writing to you for the first time in several months. The bad news is that I feel driven to write by my suffering. My sadness mostly. It's that time of year for winter driven depression, but we all know I get it a little worse than that sometimes. and yeah I'm relived I feel like writing, really relieved but it's sad that I am sad. It really is. Because I do SO MUCH to keep myself from sadness but for a human being that is unavoidably. Our lives are filled with so much suffering. There's good stuff too!
Before my class our teacher handed out to each of us a card that gave us a special message. Mine something something along the lines of "you've done a lot of hard work and have come along way. Good job! but now what? Really think about it. and think outside the box". I felt like my guardian angels owe me in saying SOMETHING about what I've been doing for myself. I've been doing a lot of really fucking hard work! I'm glad SOMEBODY fucking noticed. Gosh. It's about time. and "now what?". I don't know! You tell me! There is this dialogue happening in my head before class and really every class. I've just been begging for a sign and really listening. because despite all of my hard work I'm still feeling incredibly pulled back. and stagnant. That shouldn't be with all the yoga and exercise I'm doing. What's wrong with me? (what isn't wrong with me?)
I went to my usual Monday night yoga class duo: 1 hour of hot yoga followed by one hour of yin. Yin yoga to me is always exciting because afterwards my body will easily move in ways that were once stiff or hard. It can also be scary and intimidating because there are a lot of hip opening poses and if you know anything about where your body stores things or have read this book or maybe have knowledge of yoga or whatever, you know that opening your hips releases bad stuff. Trauma, sadness, bad experiences, anger, sickness, bad things you've avoided; all stored in the hips. Do some exercises to open those up and good luck to you!
I know my body. We have a toxic relationship but I know my body. My right hip holds sadness. It's higher than my left. It's the cause of unalignment throughout. I have a lot of deep, deep sadness and it's obvious to see it in my right hip. The way I move and don't move. What hurts or doesn't. It's all there. Sickness is stored in my left hip. I've experienced sickness. We all have. I have brought a lot of sickness on to myself. I was blessed to born with a really good, strong body. Natural muscles and curves. Good Viking woman stock. but like many women, during my formative, lot's of terrible things were done and said to me about my body. I can't even remember a single positive thing anyone ever said about my body until I was almost fully developed and started getting sexual attention. Before that It was picked apart, judged, and always seemed to be in the way. Many of the very people that were supposed to be nourishing me and protecting me were tearing my body apart over and over again. I formed an eating disorder so easily in high school and so quickly that it should have been scary but it wasn't and it festered and continued much longer than it should have. Those who knew about it didn't offer support or help so it became my identity. My hatred of my body developed naturally like one develops breasts or muscles or hair. It grew and attached. I made my self sick. Literally and figuratively. There are literally dozens of entries of this blog about my eating disorders. but tonight one ordeal in particular came up. I was living with my Nanny in 2008. During this phase of my life I was pretty restrictive of my eating. There was one time where I didn't eat anything but drank and water and beer for 8 days street. 8 fucking days of working and living. I got really sick. Somewhere an infection flared and I had a terrible fever. I fell ill at a friends house and my friends had to drive myself and my car back to my house where I laid in bed while Peanut laid on my chest, nursing me and probably relishing in my body heat and glad I was finally home. A few weeks after that I made another go at it again by not eating for 6 days but this time I stayed up stairs in my bedroom the entire time so it was a little easier. This is all just fucking sick and sad. Really sad. I felt the memories of these exact become released during my yoga class. I felt like fever and sickness were burning hot up and down my left side. Flaring out from my left hip. I let it come. I let it take over and then I breathed it out. and sweat it out.
The right hip that holds my sadness often releases pockets of grief for Peanut whom I still miss terribly every single day. My baby angel soulmate tuxedo cat. I don't think it was ever, EVER feel right to me that I am living on this earth and she isn't. and I'm not ashamed to say that about a cat. It's her soul. She is with me always but I God I miss her creature comfort and earthly presence. There are times I am still very mystified that I made it through her passing without dying myself. Judge away. It's true though. I am learning to build my friendship with Bean, and it will take years to build up an ounce of what Peanut and I had but Bean is so strong and so precious and I am very grateful for her friendship. I will never love most people nearly as much as I love animals. Especially the ones I chose to bring into my life.
I got through the class but not without feeling like I had to write it out and get it out there and maybe somebody out there can relate to this? Maybe it will help?
This blog post has no plot or beginning or ending. I sincerely hope I continue to write to you more. You have no idea how much I miss my creativity and my longing to write. Thank you for always asking about it and telling me that you miss my blogs because it means so much to me. Really. It means the world. I love each of you so very much.
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