Something tragic happened in my life recently, and I wasn't able to respond to it the way I felt like I needed to or do what I felt like I should have done. When I told Eddie about this, he said I should I write a blog post about it. Since that is what I do. Bad things happen and I write about them. Especially if it involves mental health. Which it most certainly does. I want to talk about this event in my life and how it affected me and how I responded in the hopes that maybe it will help you deal with tragedies in your life as well.
Firstly, I want to thank everyone for the birthday well wishes! We had such a great time in Chicago celebrating! I had my party pants on! Since starting our business February of 2021 we have hardly been able to leave town so it was really nice to leave. and nice of our excellent employees to cover down for us. Death doesn't stop when we're out of town.
Death doesn't stop for anyone. Sometimes it hits our family too. A few weeks ago a member of my family took their own life after a struggle with depression. This is the tragedy I was speaking about earlier. It's just an awful thing to know that someone who I know, who I'm related to, someone who went to my wedding is no longer here with us and that they suffer from what I also do, mental illness. Just as it's happened in the past, my mind goes into a tailspin wondering what I could have done. and sadly, in this case, probably nothing as I wasn't as close to this person as other people I'm related to. The week I found out, I was already struggling with some bad late-winter depression. I call this seasonal depression but we know I have depression no matter the season. I just feel like this late in the season the lack of sun and the amount of time has gone by without sunny days that it just makes things worse. I have been doing all I can to stave away a severe depression episode this winter season and I've done really well, but it's not a sure fire way to keep it away.
Those that don't know what chronic depression is like love to claim that diet, exercise, sunlight, natural medicine, cardio, essential oils, juices...you name it...can "cure" depression. Every little thing you can find to do may help, but it NEVER completely goes away. Not chronic depression just like I an thousands of others have. Doing these things helps, but that's it. I had a few people reach out to me since I joined a gym and yoga studio last November to congratulate on my health journey and some were even surprised by my depression episodes returning. "Even with all you are doing?". Yes, even with good diet, yoga 4 times a week, HIIT cardio twice a week, and the gym 3 times a week, along with therapy and medication, believe it or not. It. Still. Happens.
Although suicide is ultimately a selfish decision, to me, it's very VERY understandable because the pain is absolutely endless. and it's for life. If you are in denial that it's for life, then you will only be swept up even more the next time an episode happens. I'm very guilty of that denial. On top of my coping skills I've still got severe depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, severe ADHD and a mind that is anything but neurotypical. The struggle is real.
When I heard the bad news, I was obviously planning on going to the memorial services held. Absolutely, I thought, I'll be there for sure. The days ticked by and my depression got worse. I missed a few yoga classes and became one with the couch. I took a late winter walk with my husband and we discussed the upcoming service and something told me, I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't handle the situation. and I felt SO BAD about that. I really did and still do. but I knew that this situation, ultimately would traumatize me. Does this make me a poor friend or family member? A selfish person? Potentially to some. but I just knew, in my 38 years of life, If I went to that service I was not going to feel ok for quit sometime afterwards. and I absolutely need every ounce of strength right now.
That's what I mean about the title of this blog, "controversial yet understandable". Maybe a lot of my blogs topics are in the same realm. I write about things people aren't always comfortable with; trauma, eating disorders, death. grief, suicide, mental illness..and you know what? I love it. I'm here for you to talk about whatever you like. Please keep reaching out to me. I'm one of those people who does not judge about a single thing. In fact, speaking of controversial, I have a blog post I've been working on about my experiences with OnlyFans so if you have any questions about that feel free to comment or message me with any topics you want me to discuss. Stay well my friends.
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