A day in the life with panic disorder

 I get asked this all the time. What is panic disorder and how is it different than anxiety or Generalized Anxiety Disorder? How do you have anything to be worried about when you live such a cushy and pampered life? What do you have to worry about? Also, how does OCD start to play in with the disorders I already have?

I'm so happy to answer these questions and educate others. Especially now that I am fully medicated (which for me looks like permission from my psychiatrist to take Xanax day time hours as well as before bed). Now that I am experiencing less panic attacks for the last 24 hours, I can answer these questions.

Since January my day normally starts like this: I have nightmares between the hours of 3-6am. These nightmares have me jumping out of bed before I realize I am awake with a racing heartbeat and ready to run. Getting back into bed, no matter knowing I am indeed safe and very tired, doesn't make the anxiety go back down like a regular bad dream. My adrenaline line is open and running for the day. I have no choice whatsoever. My only option is to feel terrified and alone. I agonize over taking meds because once I do, it means a chance of building a higher tolerance and them no longer working as needed. Sometimes, I fall back asleep. However, this means I will be right back in a nightmare. I read on my phone. and yes, I'll scroll social media because I'll do anything to distract from the terror.

I get out of bed and write in my gratitude journal. I am grateful for my relationship with Jesus, my husband and house, my legs that allow me to walk, the ability to see. I dream of being panic free. I cannot put on my fitbit because seeing my heartrate triggers me. This is where the OCD comes in. My symptoms of OCD mean I am obsessed and fearful over anything that has to do with health, the human body, aging or any physical ailment. Ever since my job with the medical examiner and knowing how fast and violently young lives are taken and feeling the spirits separated from these bodies (I'm an intuitive empath) I cannot handle talking about these sorts of things as they are too real. 

I cant drink coffee. I can't take my adhd meds. I have been unmedicated for my ADHD almost this entire semester of school. This is my first semester back full time in 15 years and I can't take my meds. It's been very difficult. I need proteins and zero sugar in my breakfast. I can't have a single thing that makes my heart beat any faster than it already does because it will trigger a panic attack.

Here comes my first panic attack of the day. My vision gets blurry. I have a hard time getting a full breath. My ears start to ring and my heart starts pounding. My chest feels tight and my stomach drops. I feel as though I being held upside down. I do the 5 senses method. Within a half hour I am coming back down from my first episode of the day. I am visibly shaking. I had to crawl to the bathroom. I cannot standup or I fear I will pass out. I am exhausted. My teeth are chattering. I feel high, and not in a good way. I describe panic disorder as that feeling when you ate too much of an edible or smoked too much weed and your terrified and panicking feeling like you need to call 911 lol yeah that's my daily life stone ass sober.

I want to take a shower but it  makes me panic. I can only do it with freezing cold water otherwise I feel I will pass out. An everything shower is out of the question. It must be quick as possible. I am terrified the whole time. I've taken 1 and only 1 peaceful calming shower in the last 5 months. I don't sing in the shower anymore.

I don't laugh either. I don't get turned on. I don't feel happy. I am always scared. I fake, fake, fake, fake it till I can't anymore. I take selfies. I go out with friends. I go to yoga. I go for walks. I drive to the store. all this while feeling absolutely petrified. 

I had a period of time in my life like this summer of 2008 but not since then has it been this bad. I am learning new things. I am a warrior. I am getting through. I am learning everything I can to get better so I can help others.

but I am so, so goddamn tired.