Hello mental health warriors and Lindsay lovers! Welcome back to blogmas! I am now back my from my hallmark movie-esque weekend in Grand Haven! We drove back yesterday. Luckily the roads weren't too bad. Not that it matters becuase I'm used to making that drive every week rain or shine for school. I'm getting ready for a therapy appointment today boy do I need it! Why?
My weekend was wonderful and I love being around my brother and his wife and kids but it always tugs on my ovaries (ew lol) becuase we couldn't have kids of our own and I am against the ideal that we should pay forty-thousand dollars and more for something that other people get to do for free. I love the experiencing of have a niece and nephews! It's so special to me!
but, here's how I wish I felt: boy, look at all of this chaos that having small children can bring. So much noise and overstimulation. I'm glad I get to go back home where it's quiet. I get to focus solely on myself and not other human beings.
How I actually feel: boy, I sure do feel selfish not having children to look after. I wish I had babies for my parents and Nanny to play with and love on. I wish my kids were part of the chaos and I could have something to commiserate with my sister-in-law. I sure do wish my body was able to the things that other people's bodies do. and I absolutely wish that I was here for the weekend to make memories for my babies.
*sigh* broken hearted and bitter, I drive home and cry. It sounds pathetic and it absolutely is. I acknowledge that. but the truth is, I have a really hard time with the fact we don't have kids. Especially this time of year. I feel like I contribute nothing to family because I didn't have grandkids. Instead, I'm mentally ill and back in college as an almost 40 year old. I feel as though visiting our home is a pain in the ass instead of more like a desirable thing becuase we don't have kids.
but I have faith in God's plan for me. He made me for a reason and I truly believe I am intended to help others and that's why I'm getting my masters in social work. I know that this will eventually feel better. I hope at least. Until then, I pray so hard, every day, for God to show me the way and to not lament over the things I don't have.
I have so much gratitude for everything I do have! but, and I think this is healthy, I allow myself a day to be sad and grieve what I wished for so badly but wasn't in the cards.
Thank you for coming by today to be with me. Send me a virtual hug and I'll see you back here tomorrow! I love you guys!
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| snowy views from my bedroom window this morning |
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