God Said, “Try Again, This Time With Me”
There’s a moment when you look back at the tapestry of your life and realize that every thread, every knot, and every tear was not random—it was woven with intention. For me, that moment came after years of trying to do it all on my own. Moving from California to Traverse City, battling the shadows of anxiety and depression, rebuilding my life after years of being housebound, starting a business, and losing 50 pounds—it was a lot. But the truth is, none of it truly came together until I let God in. That’s when everything shifted.
I’ve spent so much of my life fighting battles that felt insurmountable. Panic attacks in the middle of the night, days when it was hard to even get out of bed, and years of feeling like I was just surviving, not living. When I moved to Traverse City in 2019, it wasn’t just a change of scenery—it was a desperate attempt to restart my life. Little did I know, God was preparing me for something so much bigger than I could have imagined.
Looking back, I see His hand in every step. The job opportunities that came at just the right time, the friendships that blossomed when I needed support, the doors that opened for me to go back to school—none of it was by accident. Suddenly, going back to school to become a therapist, just as my plan was when I was 23, was no longer an option. This idea went from, "I guess it wasn't meant to be because I never finished" to "I have no choice, I must do this".
But for so long, I tried to do it all on my own. I pushed, I planned, and I worked myself to the bone, all while carrying the weight of my mental health struggles. This past summer, when things seemed to be going really well within my life, I was plagued by panic attacks once again. I felt as if the Lord was saying, "you can't finish this without me". He knew that when I started working in public health or community mental health, that I would need something secure, steadfast and perfect to lean on for strength. But this past summer, I truly felt like something was still missing. My peace. My faith. My reason for being a good person through and through. My reason for getting up every morning even when things were hard. I needed the idea that I never got to have babies of my own and now I can help other people's babies, to come from a greater place. I already knew it came from a greater place. I knew it was part of a bigger picture, but I needed to remind myself of it. Every. Single. Day.
And then, when I couldn’t go any further, I finally heard Him say, “Try again, this time with Me.”
Finding God in the Chaos
In the whirlwind of going back to school in my late 30s, I found myself overwhelmed by the sheer weight of it all. Juggling classes at GVSU, driving hours each week, trying to maintain a social life, and navigating the ever-present anxiety that had defined so much of my life—it was exhausting. I thought I could handle it. I thought sheer determination would be enough. Things had been coming together so quickly. Every time I turned around, I was doing something else that hadn't been able to do in year, or ever. I kept adding more and more onto my plate. The ability to "participate" in my life again was addicting, overwhelming, and glorious all at the same time. I feel manic at times, and like I am going a million miles an hour when I compare my days to how they were 5 or even 2 years ago. I am determined and racing.
But determination without God left me empty. It wasn’t until I started carving out quiet moments for prayer, journaling, and just sitting in His presence that I began to feel a shift. Breathwork, morning pages, reading my Bible, and affirmations became my anchors. Slowly but surely, I began to understand what it meant to let Him lead. I begin each morning with 3 minutes of breathwork and then I work my way through my Bible. I use all kinds of different ways to get through the big book. I go book to book, chapter by chapter. I pick and choose different parts depending on what I need to be reminded of. I sometimes simply pick it up and flip to a random page, knowing that whatever comes up will be meant for me at that moment. It reminds me of tarot cards. However I view it, the quiet time in the mornings with myself and God started to ease my panic. I talk to God on my long car rides. I force myself to sit in silence despite aching addiction to stimulation. I look for signs from God everywhere. I keep faith in His plan. Slowly, my nervous system started to calm down. I my OCD about my health and heart began to dissipate. Sometimes an intrusive thought will come up and I'll make fun of it. Bottom line, I leaned on the Lord. And the more I leaned on Him, the more I saw His provision in every area of my life.
Rebuilding With God’s Help
God’s invitation to “try again” wasn’t a one-time moment. It was an ongoing process—a daily surrender. Just like anything huge, you have to do it little by little every day. Even when you don't feel like it. It's what I call "boring self care" on my podcast. When I started my business with Eddie, it felt like a leap of faith. When I committed to losing weight and taking care of my body, it required a level of discipline and trust I’d never had before. And when I graduated at 40 with my Bachelor’s in Psychology, it felt like a full-circle moment. With panic disorder, many attacks come at night when you really do truly feel alone. Mental illness has a sneaky way of making you feel like you are the only one with these problems. Sometimes scrolling through social media can give you a mixed feeling of "everyone is doing better than me" and "I have never had an original thought or experience. Let's face it though, life can often times feel very lonely. Sometimes the hard times begin to win over and I had to rewire my brain to think differently. When I started to imagine Jesus in the room with me, it made it easier to get through. But every step of the way, I heard His voice reminding me: “You don’t have to do this alone.”
Today, as I’m looking forward to starting my Master’s in Social Work and balancing a job at the library, I’m constantly reminded of how far I’ve come. Not just in terms of accomplishments, but in how I approach life. Instead of rushing ahead, I pause. I pray. I ask for guidance. And I’ve learned that when God says, “Try again,” it’s not because He thinks we failed the first time. It’s because He knows we’re capable of so much more when we walk with Him.
Real Life Begins With Faith and Hard Work
When I think about my journey, it’s easy to focus on the milestones: moving across the country, building a career, graduating, or losing weight. These milestones have hundreds and thousands of days in between. If you've heard of the paper towel affect, it's like that. When you first start a new roll of paper towels, it feels big, like you will never run out of paper towels again. But as the roll gets closer to the end, each one you pull off feels like it's going to be the last. If you have a big mess to clean up, then you may end up using all of your paper towels. It's towards the end of your journey that you begin to see the hard work. The beginning of your journey will feel like endless days of nothing getting accomplished. Even the days I spent housebound with depression were days that were spent working towards where I am now. You are also at the beginning, middle, and end of many different journey's and goals. I am victorious and apprehensive at the same time. Today I am winning, but I'm also just beginning. But the real victory isn’t in what I’ve done—it’s in who I’ve become. I’ve gone from someone who was too afraid to leave the house to someone who embraces life with open arms. I’ve learned to celebrate the little things, to rest when I need to, and to trust that God’s plan is better than anything I could imagine.
Faith doesn’t make life easier, but it makes it possible. It gives me the strength to face the hard days, the courage to chase my dreams, and the grace to forgive myself when I fall short. And most importantly, it reminds me that I’m never alone.
What About You?
Whatever you’re facing today, know that it’s never too late to try again. Whether it’s starting over, chasing a dream, or simply getting through the day, God (or whoever your higher power is) is right there with you. He’s saying, “Try again, this time with Me.” And when you do, you’ll find a strength you never knew you had.
Let’s keep walking this journey together, one step at a time, with faith leading the way.
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